stars and bars
I had lunch with a young lady who seems to know a little bit about where I am right now.
You know, this enigma between wanting to exist also as something other than "Mrs. So-and-so" but having to do that first on the way to other. I mean, as much as I am really excited about being able to do other things with my life than just study-study-study... I am also confused about "who I am" if I'm not in school.
Family is my passion, too, so marriage is a good gear to drive in right now. It's all over this journal, too: talk of The One and all that jazz.
By the way, Matth, I think you ought to start saying, "all that jazz" (except singing it, like in Chicago) instead of saying, "whatnot" all the time.
Or, "and shit."
The fact is that things are good right now. Only they are completely opposite of where I began. How is this so? Why does my life lead me thus? My sudden change of course came without options, though, because Mike is here and I'm in love with him and I refuse to be that crusty old frigid scientist with cobwebs in her hair. And the education is not done, it's only postponed to what will come later (and no doubt better).
I know quote Bethany... MistakeMade... who said, "if he weren't the best thing that ever happened to me I'd hate him for ruining my life."
I love Mike in utter calmness, and I love him desperately. I want no life separate from his. My skin needs his touch and my eyes need his contact.
There is a psychological part of myself that I have held onto with a death-grip for a very long time. I'm not exactly sure what it is. It will become more apparent in time, of course. It's not a physical thing - like being able to have an orgasm - but an identity thing. Like, being the only person in the world with my name is a part of my identity. Now I just need to know how to let go and share an identity with a partner.
Niggaz 4 life.
