bitter buffalo

I feel like I've failed a lot of people lately, and that maybe I'm never going to be back to how I used to be. In fact, it's almost certain I won't. I used to be offended by people who changed as they grew up, and out, and older, and fell in love. Now I've done that. But not just to people who I've skipped out on, also to myself by not maintaining these pages.

In the technical side of things, I'm working at a Chipotle Mexican Grill as a supervisor. It's a fun joint; tiny operation with lots of good food. I like the people I work with, enough to hang out with them.

It's sort of frustrating, though, to know I've been here for two years and the people I hang out with the most are the people I've just met.

Maybe it wasn't just New York that held me at arm's distance. Maybe it's me who's holding back.

Apart from working about 32-40 hours per week there I'm also working about 15 hours at a Pier 1 Imports. I prefer restaurants to retail.

Then I'm taking a class, too... some Spanish translation course. It's the truly final class I have to take. When it's over I'm moving to Charleston.

Today I interviewed over the phone with a family in SC who may hire me as a nanny for their two young children.

But you all aren't so concerned with my daily life, and neither am I. What I had for breakfast has never been meaningful enough for us. Incidentally, I missed breakfast today.

My roommate left this morning for a six week conference at MIT. One which I had had full intentions to attend myself. But my ability to pursue academic advancement has been taken away from me. Mike is gone to a whirlwind world of military training and People Just Like Him. He's been away two weeks and will be for four weeks more. The time is flying where he is.

The time has flown for him, I suspect, and yet it has stood still for me. I wake up every morning and groan at my half-empty bed. That six-week conference at MIT would have been for me like what OBC is for Mike. Something he's worked for and has earned a piece of. Part of me is jealous as hell that he gets his.

Where's mine?

I still don't understand why I am where I am. There is a majority of me that feels like my dreams are coming true to be moving to Charleston, with Mike, and planning my wedding. But then there's the regret. The feeling that I have years of college and nothing to show for it. Not even a slot at an MIT conference. I might have met Noam Chomsky. I DESERVE TO BE THERE.

I'm worn down right now. Just raw nerves, really. Alone again whether I choose to be or not. Involuntary solitude is most loathsome.

The way I feel now, is like being stuck at Penn Station, two minutes after the last train has left at two o'clock in the morning.

Completely alone, and everyone I know is asleep and thinks I'm safe in bed too.

I don't know how I got there. I caught those trains from Brooklyn on time... I should have caught the last one, too.

I'm surrounded by strangers who offer me unsolicited comfort. Part of me enjoys it, but most of me resents the fact that it is strangers who comfort and not my loved ones. But it's not my Loved One's fault, because they just don't know where I am. By the time they find out I'll be okay again.

I got lost last weekend going to Virginia for a family vacation. That same feeling. Crossing the Great Smokey Mountains with no phone signal and no map and no clue how to find my way out. I was near by my destination by the time I could call for help.

It was my birthday last weekend, too. Kind of a crappy one. I'm a bit old fashioned and I like to get a cake and the birthday song... No such luck.

I didn't even get, like, some candy or anything. So I bought myself some green Chuck Taylors.

I feel a little lost-in-the-woods and sometimes forgotten. All I can do is hack my way through, though. Try not to gnaw my mouth to stop my brain.

my brain's the burger and my heart's the charcoal