rapid stream of consciousness
I mean, I haven't had a 3 week relationship that was on the incline throughout in years.
Since David.
After him there was Rob, for which I was more the "other woman" than anything else.
Jesse: Niles Crain (enough said).
Bob Gordon: one night.
Amrin: best-buddy, but never would be seen in public with me.
Michael: stopped calling after 6 dates, and never kissed me; suspect him to be gay.
Eric: my one-week boyfriend who was just passing through and we never saw again.
Alan: one night with an old friend.
Josh: one night with a new friend.
Jon: one night with a stranger.
Matthew: we are only meant to be friends, but alcohol has made that description broad once or twice.
Joe: after 3 weeks he was vacant and just satiated me for 3 more.
Oh, I seem to have forgotten Kasey. He was about 6 weeks, too. Although we only spent two weekends in person. Only one of those were we together.
So, on the topic of longevity I have none. My two-year boy-friend seemed to come so easily to me at 19 that I naively suspected relationships to sort of go on, and on.
They don't, though. They keep you on your toes. There's no telling when the person you're with will ask another girl out, or stop calling and move to Africa. I have no reason to suspect that Mike won't be with me until he moves. I don't suspect it, either.
But my history has taught me that anything can happen, regardless of my suspicions.
Or perhaps these are just my insecurities.
I always thought I was so fortunate for going through two divorces and never blaming myself, but I guess I make up for it now as an adult. I could have credited all the above short-lived boys to my short-comings. But that's probably too much credit to give myself.
Joy called me last night to tell me all about her brothers and law school and married life. She told me her husband is in Africa with Kasey right now, and that Kasey's aunt inquired about me.
I think that's the first time I've been considered since last July. I met his aunt at Carmine's. Not a bad joint. I liked his aunt because she owns a lot of Mucha originals. He sat me beside her so I could receive her blessing - and I did - and then the entire clan fell silent.
Oy vey.
Joy said she took the liberty of telling her I'm happy, healthy, and vibrant. Flourishing with all my fine friends. Then Joy said she hopes that her references to Kasey didn't make me feel as though she (or even his aunt) were alluding to any possibility of reconciliation. I told her she couldn't stir up anything. Then I told her about Mike.
Last night we watched High Fidelity - where the main character gets this urge to figure out why all of his past relationships didn't work out. Why was he rejected?
I thought about everyone. Especially the boys who left without warning. And still I felt no lacking sense of closure.
This is how I know any temptation to ever blame myself for being unwanted is only an insecurity. Because my deep-down objective self has no need for resolution. I'm satisfied with not ending up with anyone from my past.
I have no past worth living in.
My present is with a boy who braces himself against the morning with me. At a little past 5:00 he'll wrap himself up with me and put me into the best sleep of the night.
I'm a little frightened by my growing appreciation for him. He has not spoken a word of how he feels about me. Granted, his "non-verbal communication" is highly advanced, but there still has been no definition. No State of the Union. No DTR. I wouldn't call him my boyfriend. We've never even been on a date together. I haven't told my mom about him.
But I'm a little frightened about the fact that I am NOT CERTAIN he'll only last a little while. Regardless of all the brief relationships I've had, I still cannot in all certainty say he will leave me when he leaves Bloomington.
There is nothing that I know about him at this point that is a "Fatal Flaw".
I have to go bullshit about optimality theory now. Maybe do my taxes, finally.
