...a sleep that won't ever come

...It's okay to be a little psycho sometimes.

Last night Jason and Amelia decided to become nothing-in-particular, or, to just make out when they're drunk. How strange are things for us now in our midtwenties that we verbaly establish such ambiguities.

I sang You're So Vain like a supah-stah last night... and then during Love Shack (to back-up Jason) I blew out my delicate-because-I'm-sick voice.

So when I rose to sing Black Velvet I got to the first chorus and my voice shattered. I mean, it's broken.

Smoking + sickness + karaoke = silence.

I lost a beer last night, only to discover that someone had knocked it over onto a pile of coats. Must dry-clean now.

George thinks I'm a Delilah, because I flirt with the emcee (who has a girlfriend, but he's like a bartender: it's expected that drunk people will flirt with him, and he's hott (not like Michael, though)) and he heard about me putting-out for Joe on Saturday (by putting-out I mean I actually told him he looks best naked), and because no matter what I do he feels tempted.

But he handles himself like a little boy, and that's the only way I know how to describe it. Oh, and when he dances he leads with his penis, and that's just gross for everyone.

Mama and I were talking about how suddenly and perfectly some choices come into our lives.

Like when I posted a resume to be a nanny, and four weeks later lived in NY.

Or how four months ago she used her packing boxes for me, and had no idea she'd be needing them for herself.

Or how some customer suggested IU to me and this is where I got a fellowship.

These examples, she told me, are the same way my love will find me. Where my life just takes a turn, and my entire life is consumed in it, and it's just right in that there really are no other options.

...no other options... is the part that makes me a little nervous.

I keep men on tiers in my life. In a sort of hierarchy. One to regret. One to miss tenderly. One to torment me. One for me to torment. Etcetera.

It will take a damn good man to hold my attention entirely.

But here I am in graduate school, and I cannot even consider another program, or another home, or another way of thinking. This place consumes me whole and that makes me happy.

Perhaps love will come the same way.