better to have loved than not at all? I disagree
I prefer boy children, actually.
Last night my cousin took me out and got me head-splitting drunk. Her boyfriend has a hobby of beer-drinking, and the place we went was one of those tap-houses so he kept ordering one after the other for me to "taste".
I really enjoy beer and I had some of the best I've ever tasted last night.
I think I need to road-trip to Belgium.
After that shit-for-day on Thursday, I really enjoyed bidding farewell to my sense of responsibility and just letting alcohol medicate.
Thanks to those of you who signed with words of encouragement and understanding. I always feel so selfish when I complain about a bad day that another person caused. But I guess we all have other people to bitch about from time to time.
But tonight I went out with my Aunt and Uncle. They decided to take me out for steak, at some road-house, and during the drive I passed the Mason-Dixon.
I was in Maryland.
Hadn't been to Maryland in over four years.
I hadn't been this close to Hagerstown in that long.
Or that close to David.
This was where I was supposed to live. As a wife. Here?
Dairy country?
I shuddered and realized that had I been a bit less confident, a bit less intelligent, or a bit less determined I would indeed be approaching my two (or three) year wedding anniversary soon.
And this part of the country would be my home.
I ate my steak and potato and the three of us chatted about family and baseball.
They had sweet-tea, though.
That's the tangible difference of the sides of the Mason-Dixon: iced-tea.
I never think for a second that I made the wrong choice in refusing David. Never for a second have I felt guilty for sending him away and never allowing him to speak to me again. The only I regret is staying with him for two years, instead of six months.
But this weekend I've just been haunted with his memory.
The last time I was here in my aunt's house was with him. Christmas of 1998. When I decided to leave him.
Why does he even come up after so much time?
I think because I was really in love with him. And I haven't loved any one else since. I haven't met the one I can love. I miss loving. Sure I love people. But when they don't love me back it's not the same thing. David and I were crazy about each other. But he was breaking my spirit.
The game of being with people I really like super a lot but don't *love* doesn't work for me.
Somehow I've not been able to realize that my life is not intended for romance right now. It's been hard for me to realize that my life is better suited for work and for education and for the gathering of all the sights and sounds that I will one day bring to romance.
It will find me.
I've stopped looking.
But it's memory haunts me and makes my blood curdle sometimes.
I wish I had never been in love so I wouldn't miss it.
