what now?
2002-09-17
Hey, guess what, he called. Since when does that happen? I bet if I'd expected him to call he never would have. He asked me to go to Central Park with him on Saturday (for once it's not a $2 burger joint)and I asked him to call me back on Thursday. Naturally, he doesn't seem like a rapist, but I don't think that rapists have a "seem." He is offering to take me to the most "wide open space" possible on Manhattan Island. Perhaps I should suggest the Met, where there's security and such. I can't think of a good reason to tell him no except for the fact that men scare me. Good looking men who express for me an interest frighten me. Foreign engineers with dimples and accents make me chickenshit. I'm not afraid of me possibly doing something stupid, but I am afraid of the first hill on the rollercoaster. I'm comfortable with myself -- that's the point -- but meeting somebody and spending time with them and then LIKING them (whoah) creates a relationship which exists outside myself, and therein lies a loss of control. I can't just lift my arms and enjoy the rush... I want the two-year-plus stability that I felt with that guy, and that other guy, and I never again want what I had with that first guy. I don't believe anything bad will happen if I spend a couple of hours with "Roberto" on Saturday, so really? What is my problem? I hurt guys who like me, I like guys who hurt me, I kiss guys who are passing through, I date guys who I don't kiss, I want a husband one day, but I'm scared to meet one. Aye, me. Well, he's gonna call back Thursday; any advice?
