the whole truth
Yesterday was simply a painful day.
Amelia and I drove to Indianapolis to retrieve both Heather and Ashley from the airport, so finally my entire group was together. It takes all four of us for balance, too, so I'm glad they returned because Amelia and I were making things all lopsided.
The first problem with me and Amelia is that we like the same men. The second problem is that the same men like us. Fortunately we have it all talked out and will likely have no problems.
The carride back to Bloomington was a tag-team story telling of the events of the last few nights, beginning with Wednesday, and our other girls were sorry they missed it.
Steve, the guy Amelia was with on Wednesday, also flirted with me. In fact, he's the guy who - while I was with Joe at his friend Erin's b-day at the Vid - talked to me all night long after having spent the first part of the night regaling Amelia (and Joe and I had just met her the weekend before).
Steve, incidentally, also happens to be one of Ahsley's best friends. I'm planning on moving in with her next fall.
The end of that story, though, is that Saturday night Steve point-blankedly told Amelia that he was interested in another girl. In that instant she walked directly over to Winter, and Lalenia began lambasting Steve, so sought solace with the punkrockers, and found it, inevitably.
Like going to Mars Bar after a night uptown, you know, Asit?
The next part of our story for the girls was about my fun with Joe on Thursday night, and then my subsequent amazement at how attentive he was to me Saturday. My girl friends think Joe is the absolute most sweet man they've ever heard of. Especially when I got the part of hiim giving me pizza at like, 4:30 in the morning.
I might think that too.
But the girls also know I've been attracted to Joe's roommate since the first time he smiled at me. There was this strange moment the first time I hung out with Joe, when Winter arrived at the Vid, and I invited both of them back to my apartment. Only Joe came, though, and he never left, and thus I allowed them to make the decision. Anyway, I had two classes with Winter and he *never* talked to me, and Joe picked me up and turned off the light, threw me on the sofa and stayed all night.
Joe wanted me so badly. But when it stopped, he became so, so cold. Case-study events resulted in me finding the warmth I lacked in the conversations I had with Winter. Like the day I did laundry and Joe fell asleep, leaving me to the company of his roommate.
Joe emailed me later, asking that I please tell him first about my feelings for his roommate, just to make things less uncomfortable for him, but he realized I didn't need his "approval".
I replied that my friendship with Winter is separate from him being Joe's roommate, but it's repulsive to me to think of dating someone else in Joe's home (besides Joe).
I don't know exactly what lead him to believe he needed to write such an email. Maybe it was all in the eyes. Maybe it was the fact that he'd find out a week later that Winter had driven me to the airport, or something, and this seemed covert to him.
Over Christmas break Joe and I spoke twice on the phone, and then I called him when I returned. Thursday night we were flirting in much the same way as we were that first night at the Vid last October. I was, at least, with my, "I know you think I'm cute, because I'm nothing like 'your type', but you're not allowed to touch." Joe's got really good game, though. One might not know to look at him, but he has mad skillz.
Last Thursday night helped me resolve some Joe stuff by telling me he does care about me, and like he said, that's not why we stopped dating. Not that getting action implies feelings, but...
So Winter begins keeping a journal, after I told him about mine. In this journal he mentions me (in a list of girls he's interested in), and then Saturday night happened.
There just seemed to be a lot of carelessness Saturday night.
Amelia and I should not have gone over to Joe and Winter's. There's no way I would have been there and just let Joe go to bed while I was up chatting. Clearly, Joe had no intention of going to bed.
I realize it was after six a.m., and we were drunk (I'd been drinking for eleven hours), but the palpable pain on Joe's face as he said, "who am I to tell you not to do something that might make you happy?" was too much for me.
Joe's a good man. But he's had his heart broken by infidelity and being made to feel like his heart's desires are not important. His feelings towards God, I believe, are so full of hate because he feels betrayed that something he would love to love is seemingly incongruent with the science he feels called to. He had to make a decision, he said.
The reason why I am determined to prove Joe can trust me is because he was one of the best things to happen to me at the time when he happened.
Remember the summer? When I was bowled over by the tidal-wave of Kasey and then sucked into the undertow of Tylere and at the time I met Joe I was still blowing sand out of my sinuses? Cool water, he was.
"Just dive in a trust me," Joe said once. "Because that's what I'm doing."
I wrote to Joe yesterday, just incase he couldn't well recall what I had tried to tell him before I left, and I said,
"Your feelings are more important to me than my impulses, and your thoughts are significant; you can trust me."
I've been single for so long, it doesn't bother me to remain so. I think it's been a while since someone went out of their way for Joe, and whether he realizes it or not, that's what I want to do.
As far as Winter is concerned, we're going to be excellent friends. Although I don't understand how he can't understand that being "over" Joe isn't even the issue.
You can ask Maggie, though, last September I told her, "I'm going to be friends with a guy named Winter by Christmas."
It's time for my first class.
