four words

If time is the diamond... well alright...

There have been few nights where I felt like I needed to listen to Low recently. For nearly two entire years I was daily listening to my "sadcore" music.

Droning muses of contemplation.

Last night in my dreams I was planning a wedding with some man... and then in walked Mike... and I walked away from my plans. People were confused as to how I could just up and leave my wedding plans - my groom - without any explanation and I just replied that, "Mike was the one."

Mike had to leave, in my dream, but he wrote his number on the wall by the door and told me to call him if I needed anything.

Then Amrin came to me in my dream. He recurrently appears in the dreams - as some sort of icon of unresolved issues in my past - and I always try and get closure with him (something about the last time I saw him was in anger, and I've not seen him in over two years, though I've forgiven him).

Amrin was telling me he was in love with me, and I just replied with my devotion to Michael.

So, after a night of convincing ghosts that I have made my decision, I awoke to an email from Kasey.

For the first time in over a year he spoke to me. After all that from last summer, he disappeared completely. Today he decided to say hello.

He wrote:

Dear Michaela,

I wasn't sure how to compose this. A witty quote placed in a pleasing manner was my first thought. Flashy text. But that's retarted. I'm retarted. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all that i wronged between you and I. I am a dumb ass monky nut that sleeps in the dung of the blue wildebeest. I ask not for forgiveness, but for a chance to say hi.

humbly yours,

kasey

My reply:

Too little, too late

I thought about saying about 489 pages worth to him, but those four words about summed it up. Personal information about me is priviledge he does not deserve.

All day I had a headache and couldn't read my homework. The nap I took was unwarrented. Next week I'll be wearing glasses. My roommate is gone and I'm slipping away into the mud of isolation I felt last year. I'm amazed by how imediate my transformation is the moment I'm left alone.

Of course: who knew my past would be thrust in my face this morning.

I told Mike all of it... I told him how much more perfect he is than all of them... one by one all the boys in my past don't compare to him.

Then I told him about Patrick. About how fucking idiotic I am. About how I took out a loan and quit my job and just drank for one solid summer.

Kasey made me feel foolish, and so I just told Mike about how foolish I am.

(*note* Though I'm solid in accepting imperfections in people I love, I am virtually intolerant of them perceiving any in me...)

So he told me this...

I love you very much Michaela. It is an unconditional love. Youre a wonderful, beautiful, sexy, loving, weird, mysterious woman and i love every bit of it - even the parts I havent discovered yet. I appreciate the love you have for me too. More than I tell you. You make me feel so loved. You deserve the best! Maybe you dont see that, but I do. The best is what I strive to be for you. The best Mike for the best Michaela.

It's all about the right now.

No more last year.

No more.