the feeling you get when you realize you're dead
They'll notice it, too, because it's been ages since they've seen me. "They" being anyone in my father's life, including cousinsn and the like.
Dad's been with Kay for four years, and I've met her twice, so she represents the life my father has built sans his children. It always seemed like he just couldn't wait to lose the responsibility of us, and sure enough, as soon as he shirks us completely, he ends up having the longest relationship he's ever had.
I saw him married to my mother twice. The last one ended in just under four years, which means it quite nearly spanned all of highschool. What timing.
He can't handle the responsibility of accepting what it is inside himself that has hurt me the way it has; he would just crumble and die if he acknowledged how horrible a dad he is. So in order to go on living he just ignores it - and us - and now I have no idea what his life is about. I've tried to make him apologize, or to understand how his mistakes have fucked all four of us up, but it didn't even phase him.
He was confronted by his two adult daughters, in love, regarding our childhood with him, and he just listened, and then never mentioned it again. I know if someone I "loved" told me I had fucked up their life, it would bother me for years until I'd at least tried to make it right.
Aparently he and Kay have a lot of friends. They'll be at the wedding. I imagine my father's sister will be there. Perhaps his dad. I hope so. Dad's dad - my papa - is a joy to me.
The four of us kids will drink beer and sing with the karaoke band and make dad look good with our witty conversation. If the four of us go.
It's not my business, who he marries. She has nothing to do with me, and he barely does.
He called one night while Joe was here and asked me about who I might be dating, so I mentioned Joe briefly. I mentioned he's in psychology.
Clinical? Dad wanted to know. That's what he does.
No. Hell no. Developmental.
Is he sitting right there? Dad asked.
Okay, then he'd get the real info from me later when I was free to talk.
Sounds cute, maybe?
Dad never asked again, and he never will. He has forgotten we ever had that conversation. I could word for word say everything to him again that I said before. Do you know what his response would be?
Clinical?
No. Hell no. Developmental.
I hope I get to give a toast. It'll go a little something like this:
I've never been in your life for four consecutive years, so I reckon Kay is pretty special, and since this has already lasted longer than any other relationship you've had I guess she probably knows what she's getting into, so have fun in Key West. I'll send you a postcard when I graduate.
