I didn't type this, but something inside me did
This morning I awoke to find the skies overcast and I had two initial thoughts:
- everyone doesn't get to wear flip-flops today, and not just me
- I can't put my pretty flower outside for sunshine
I bought a perky, bright, red gerberra daisy that has a hint of yellow on the underside of each petal. Couldn't help but think of the gerberragirl, but these flowers are just inspirational to have around.
Round two of my Kiowa analysis is coming along *much* more smoothly.
I talked to emofaerie last night for the first time in months. It's so strange all the sex and drugs and disregard is getting thrown around our group of friends. It was never like that before.
The environment was exactly the same when I was there, but we established ourselves as people to be accountable to, so we didn't fuck each other's girlfriends, and we didn't o.d., and we didn't fuck each other's boyfriends, and we never lost the value of huge group gatherings where we all expressed love for each other.
Maybe it's because our year of Party started with a funeral, and we were bonded on a more spiritual level.
Maybe after sharing in the horor of our friend's murder we never toyed with fake pain and self-indulgence... That's what happens when you understand true pain and loss.
Not this Holden Caufield whiny-bitch "mama gave me everything... my parents love each other... I have four grandparents... I've never needed a job... but my life is hell... and you will. never. understand."
There was one instance where a friend of mine threatened suicide and then dissapeared for a few hours. We took a drive into the mountains in the pitch dark after my friend returned. "Get in the damn car," I ordered her, and I railed against her the whole drive up the river.
Then I parked, and in the solid blackness where all we could see was the ember of my Camel she talked about her frustrations.
Here's my frustration: she -- and many others who threaten suicide or o.d. or whathaveyou -- are so completely self-indulgent that they have no regard for even a fraction of the love that other people have for them. Their pain is more important than anyone elses feelings. It's so important that they don't even bother to let your love affect them.
What makes their misery so goddam special?
"I hurt so bad, I want to die, and I don't care who hurts in the process."
Let's not talk about people who don't think anyone loves them. I'm talking about my friends.
My friends know I love them.
There's no excuse there.
And if they don't, then it is my prayer today that no one I love ever wonders for a day if it is true or not. If you ever use me for anything, God, use me to love.
If there's anything you can use to make them feel loved, God, then you can use me.
I love you... Lindsay, Nancy, Mikaela, Asit, Mattew, Nick, Stuart, Cassie, Tara, Jay, Emily, & Niko.
