giving up ear-gasms with my mellow accent
On the train I realized that I didn't know exactly where the ampitheater was - exactly - so I called Matthew to find out...
To my surprise he was there, at the show. When I arrived he handed me a beer. It had been something like a month of not hanging out and it appeared both of us were happy to see each other.
He was there with Christopher, who is tall with big pretty eyes, and Ryan, who is a ninja.
Ryan snuck in, taped the show, and stole beer.
Even if I had never heard Wilco before I would have been thrilled by last night's show. It was immaculate.
I watched the sky fade from red to indigo across Central Park as "...I'll be around, you can rely on me, honey..." saturated my ears. I'll never forget that.
I urged Matthew and his friends to come to Mars Bar before we parted ways, so that Asit could meet him. After I leave I don't really want to be the only person I know who ever saw him. I might start to think I just imagined the whole thing.
Asit's run-down of his 5 minutes with the Matthew is here. Interesting.
We weren't arguing.
Asit and I went to Patio, of course, and it was very altered.
Juke box: some guy said he liked Sublime better than the Beastie Boys and I called him a "fucker".
Vanessa made a shot of tequila taste like lemonaide.
We went upstairs to Asit's apartment early - something like two - and I just lost my shit and passed out. Damn.
Slept in my clothes. Only, I wasn't wearing much. Asit took soft-porn photos of me passed-out.
Yeah, I wore fishnet thigh-highs... but it was fun for me since I rarely dress "sexy".
I woke myself up several times in the night thinking of better ways to have said what I had been trying to say to Matthew.
Of course I can't remember any of them now.
Just beat it, beat it, beat it, beat it
No one wants to be defeated
Showin' how funky and strong is your fight
It doesn't matter who's wrong or right
I think (hope) he knows what I meant.
I'm just a bad friend. Because I lie. To myself. This has happened before (Amrin), where I say, "Yeah, dude, we're just friends" and we are... but... then they get a girlfriend and my heart sinks and I realize I'm suddenly *that* girl: the one who doesn't want to date the guy but also doesn't want anyone else to either.
Territorial woman shit
I don't like that I'm this way. The realization is annoying to me, too. It was embarrassing to then have to explain this, since my hinting at it didn't get the message across.
But I never, ever, nerver said he couldn't talk to me about her, though. I simply didn't want to see him with her, with the knowledge that I wasn't allowed to touch him. Every time I'd ever seen him I'd been at the liberty to cuddle him.
So I decided to be honest and tell him how I felt at that moment. The moment passed, though, and I got over it and stopped acting like such a chick. I'm happy Matthew is happy, and the girl sounds fabulous, actually. Now he just needs to let me read his goddam journal: isn't that the kicker, man? Isn't the journal what we're about, here?
We're friends.
I adore him.
God only knows why.
Anyway, I'm going to take myself to a sex store now and then go out to Williamsburg to pick up some new habbits.
I love sunny days.
