no ordinary drain on my defenses
We had four cassettes that rotated throughout those days:
Patsy Cline's Greatest Hits,
Simon and Garfunkle's Bridge Over Troubled Water
a bluegrass tape with Bill Monroe on one side and Ralph Stanley on the other,
and a Bob Dylan compilation her friend had made for my mama.
The music was beautiful to me (still is) and I remember loving it, as I memorized every word to every song, then later in life actually learned what they were about.
I was put in mind of this music last Thursday. George, Jason, and I were playing cut-throat pool at the Upstairs when Everybody Must Get Stoned started playing. It wouldn't be one of my favorites if I didn't so distinctly remember learning it back in '86.
After the song this guy approaches me and the fellas and asked if we could point them in the direction of some weed... and they threw in the reasoning that we had been singing that Dylan song.
I just grinned because my eight-year-old mind was conjured, riding in the backseat, with no concept of "stoned" being connected with "marijuana", and instead I was reminded of Stephen in the New Testament.
"No," I told the guys, "that means martyred."
Of course, then at Bear's I sang Crazy.
I have no idea what four cassettes I would bring along if I were leaving my husband with all four of our children and three pets in such a small car for such a long drive. Maybe I'd choose the exact four Mama picked.
Nancy and Spears called me today, and Bill.
And I called Joe. He seemed surprised, but not irritated. He had wondered, he said, if it were okay to call me, and I reminded him that we'd never adhered to any dating protocol, so we didn't have to adhere to breaking-up protocol, either. We both felt a little weird for having gone nearly two days without talking. Perhaps it was only an experiment in ambiguous relationships, but we were endeared to one another.
Aparently Winter did know. Winter also did not tell Joe hello for me. I had had a lot of whiskey, though, so I might not have appeared sincere. He had had a lot of beer, so maybe he forgot.
Joe said he decided not to ask about me.
In some ways I think that maybe this has upset Joe some. He didn't act upset, but he sort of seems like he might be. For instance, he didn't tell me what he did after dropping me off on Friday. I don't know. He probably thinks I'm more upset than I really am. Friday I was just *pissed* so I was banging stuff around in my apartment, and then he was really sweet - trying to make me "feel better" - and then my brain thought, "aw, sweet Joe: you'll miss him..." and I pulled back, because I was starting to cry. That's all it took to make me really look upset.
Since I live alone I drink a lot of Dr. Pepper. I'm the only one who drinks it. No roommate snagging it. No visitors snagging it. Joe snagged it sometimes, but he also paid for a lot of stuff, so that's okay.
It's nothing, but of course I want to feel like he's missing me.
I'm glad we talked. We'll stay friends.
