the instant fierce connection

I swear I've tried to update. I've written lovely epic pieces on my blossoming love for my Cadet, and on the approaching end of my first year of graduate school, and on my different friends' different views about me being in a relationship, and on my sister's visit. Everytime I update I get an error page, though, which is very frustrating.

This last week has been beautiful.

Last weekend was Easter, and I spent it with my sister in Kentucky at her new home. I spent most of our time together convincing her that Mike is the sun in my sky.

Truth is: I'm the sun in his. He just takes care of me in ways I almost never realized I needed. He says he just wants to do whatever he needs to do to "keep me".

In about six weeks he'll be 600 miles away (driving distance, he claims) and in about five years we'll both be PhD'd and who knows. It's not easy having to plan on a long-distance relationship, and part of me is prepared that this could all be an illusion of love.

But the reality is that I'm prepared for nothing, really, and if he changed his mind it would break my heart.

The tentative idea is for us to road-trip to New York at the beginning of May to see his family, and to see my kids/friends. His mom's people live in Yonkers and Westchester, but she (and his younger sister) live in Pennsylvania. There's a chance the General (his daddy) may be home, in which case his younger brother may also come into town from where he is at West Point. I'd really love to meet his family, and aparently they've heard all about me.

Photos of me have been email to Iraq.

Another photo of me sits beside the bed where I have (incidentally) been sleeping for the last month.

My biological father was in town with his wife a couple days ago and Mike was charming as ever.

Charleston, SC - where Mike will be in med school - is about 3 hours away from the island where my mother lives, so hopefully sometime this summer he'll be able to drive down and meet her. She won't love it at first, but after she sees that he's the best thing for me she'll be fine.

I really love him.

Today is a gorgeous sunny day, and my old freshman-year roommate is visiting from Cleveland, OH tonight. But as I sit here this afternoon finishing a paper I'll be accutely aware of how things are changing.

Perhaps this is why I have had so many dreams of awaiting my death: because drastic and significant changes are taking place that are themselves painful, though not as painful as the alternative.

I feel every inch of my body right now. No nerve is passive. My satisfaction is no longer contained within my being, and my independence is dissolution-ed. The moment deserves to be memorialized, but moreso to be observed reverently as it is happening.

I mourn what part of me has passed away, but I celebrate the transfigured Michaela that I will be from here on out.