no body's fault, everyone's problem
Sunday morning I wrote him a long email. It was just that I felt things building up and I wanted to release the pressure so the feelings wouldn't fester. Plus, we're going to be lond-distance for four years. I reckon it might be good to start dealing with girly+dudely issues NOW.
Then I went out to lunch with my roommate-to-be and her mother. We had angelfood cake in the park. When I got home my boyfriend had called me twice and left a textpage.
Our discussion about the email was heartfelt and tender. Very sweet and urgent on both our parts. Damn me, though... it made him cry.
All day long I felt like vomiting because of how he might feel. It's not easy to initiate an important conversation when you're a thousand miles away. You want to wait until you're together for the tough ones. For the eye-contact and the facial expressions and the benediction.
But this issue was different because it dealt with our difficulty with distance. If I waited until we were together then the whole problem would cease to exist.
Truth is, it's not even a problem.
Despite my interjections of praise throughout the email, though, he derived a strong sensation that he's been a bad boyfriend. Now, if this is something he's intuited naturally from the facts I mentioned then that's up to him. But I really feared that he didn't intuit that conclusion, but rather felt accused of such. That should NOT have been the case, and I urged him to not believe it. He's in gross anatomy.
This is the most difficult course I've ever heard of anyone go through.
But discecting the young bodies of suicide victims with their faces covered doesn't make him cry. Just me...
My plea is not for *more* just *real* and not ritual.
It's no easy thing to advance a relationship through the phone wires. So what if we have wireless phones? I don't really know what the corallating metaphor is, bitches.
So when he left I feared we'd digress into arguments which grew out of our missing each other. Or we'd get used to each other being absent. Or we'd otherwise stagnate.
When I answered my front door today, though, to a strager I could hear whistling through the door only to find a dozen red roses I knew that Mike and I are actually growing closer through our distance.
The note said, "Why? Because I can and because you deserve them. Love you!" I love it when he acts like his mother.
Falling more in love with every passing week.
Does it make you want to puke? It should. It would have me if I'd read this drivel six months ago.
But I'm here now, in the middle of it all, and it's at least as real as I am. But if this is going to last for all my life and he helps me raise my kids (patronize my children?) then the least I deserve is a solid foundation of romance and progressive discovery, I believe.
His father may come visit during my stay in Charleston. His Army post keeps him overseas. And has since Mike was born. So any visit from the man is a thrill for him. I don't necessarily want anyone taking my time away from Mike, but maybe if it's just the three of us I'll actually be able to establish a connection with his father.
When I met him in May I felt intimidated. But if you saw him on CSPAN you would be too. He's a tough soldier and he uses phrases like, "NEGATIVE; no way in the free world."
