ill communication

When I returned he seemed a little cautious of my enthusiasm for seeing him again.

I mean, he stayed with me on Monday night, and I with him on Tuesday, but neither night did he seem very attentive. Not that I need constant attention, but his lacking attention made my enthusiasm seem starkly contrasted and over-kill.

So I sent the text page: "are you still having fun? w/ me, I mean."

His reply: "I'm sorry I'm not trying to be mean, can we talk about it tonight?"

So all day I anticipated getting broken up with by a guy I'm not driving at a future with but instead have the understanding that as long as we're both having a good time then it's cool.

So I wanted to make sure he was still having a good time.

If not, then I'm not having a good time either.

I spent the afternoon up in the linguistics department listening to my AI (we don't call them TA's at IU) explain phonology homework to a few of us girls. My AI, Ashley, is someone I've hung out with a little, and Heather, a fellow classmate, is someone I've hung out with a lot. Somehow the three of us got to talking about our insignificant others.

That seems to be the best way to say it.

Essentially, it's all too much to put into words here but just know everything I think about Joe is being thought by those girls, and it helped a great deal to learn that.

Statements were said like: "I don't want him to fall in love with me, I just don't want him gone."

"When I affirm him in the way I seek affirmation, I fear that he interprets it as me liking him more than I actually do and then he backs off more!"

and

"It's not so much 'why are we together?' as it is 'why not?'."

When Joe got home he called me instantly and invited me to his house to eat dinner with him. I showered first and then walked the two blocks to his house where I was touched with kid gloves and fed.

He mentioned nothing, but was delicate, which implied to me that he could be gearing up to drop the hammer.

So after eating I asked to be driven home to finish my homework, and before I got out of his car he kissed me goodnight.

That kiss told me he's not breaking up with me. It said he's sorry for having been unattentive. It said he understands that I seemed worried, but there's nothing to worry about. The kiss said thank you, Michaela, for being patient, and you deserve more from me.

The kiss was loquacious , you could say.

Tomorrow he asked me to show him our campus' giant ginkgos, after which we'll dine (perhaps Turkish) before drinking out with the physicists.

It's strange, but after spending an entire day feeling like I was bolstering myself for rejection, tonight I feel more chipper than I did last night, and I'm alone tonight. Last night he was distant, though. No night time cuddling. As if my commenting on it made him self-conscious.

It's almost lonelier to sleep next to a distant person than it is to sleep alone.

So tonight I sleep well.

Good good-night kiss.