teach my feet to fly

I'm in a relationship just to be in one.

My tendency is to fear whatever condition I am not in, though, so when I'm single I fear men.

blah blah blah

Who wants to hear this? About mine and Joe's talk in his car last night when he told me how confused and worried he is?

So what did I do? I told him that even though we didn't see a future together didn't mean we could live it up right now because *technically* we have no future at all since I might die tonight and if he was still having a good time then let it be just a good time and stop worrying. Then I went out and got drunk, called Joe after two o'clock in the morning to come get me, and inflicted my plastered affection until he absolutely could not stay awake.

This morning I could smell the smoke in my hair and the alcohol on my skin and I just sort of hated myself.

"I just don't want you gone yet," I told him. This "eat, drink, sleep, and be merry for tomorrow I die" attitude isnt' the best to have, and I don't know where it came from but it can't be right.

I need to read some back issues in my life, I think, so I can focus better. And some literature and poetry. I need to be alone.