you can't make a ho a housewife
With it she blabbers a lot
She laughs at most anything
Whether it's funny or not
And if you see her
Tell her it's over now
I want a girl
Who will laugh for no one else
When I'm away
She puts her makeup on the shelf
When I'm away
She never leaves the house
I want a girl
Who laughs for no one else
My girl's got eyeballs
In the back of her head
She looks around and around
Youknowitmakesmesadtoseeherlikethat
Please don't believe her
She ???????
I want a girl
Who will laugh for no one else
When I'm away
She puts her makeup on the shelf
When I'm away
She never leaves the house
I want a girl
Who laughs for no one else
And if you see her
Tell her it's over now
For some reason this songs tone suits me. The frustration, disgust, sarcasm, and defiance suits me.
The effect is sort of damaged by me not knowing the words in that one line, though, right? That's Weezer for you: no album-cover lyrics. Too bad the only album they put lyrics in is the one I really don't listen to that much. I listen to blue about once a day and I still get worked up for Say It Ain't So. I've been listening to that song for eight years. One of my favorite lines on the whole album, though, is
"We're fresh out of batteries, but we're still making noise."
Isn't that a great line?
I'm fresh out of batteries. I have no auto-drive. No routine plan-of-action onto which I can fall back. I'm not making noise in the cool sense, either, but more in the annoying sense.
In the nonsense sense.
Frozen pizza, Twizzlers, salt-and-vinegar potato chips, a six-pack of Yoo-hoos, two movies, coffee at Denny's and a baseball game. What a great day. Pepper it with cigarettes and it looks like a love potion to me. He gave me a goddam t-shirt, as if I would casually find it quirky and personal, but not as if I would sleep in it everynight like it was his own skin. It was an old shirt that he wore, and I complimented, often. With strawberries on it.
Complacent? Him? He wouldn't be if he cared.
I know what you're all thinking, and you're right.
Yesterday I took two huge pumpkins and hollowed them out and carved the shells and from the pulp I made a pie and some pumpkin cup-cakes with frosting and sprinkles. I roasted the seeds, too. As I stood in the kitchen with a mixing bowl cradled in my left arm, and a whisk in my right hand, I though to myself that all I want is to be a homemaker. That's all I've ever really wanted. My life experiences are just to make my homemaking more rich. A house smells better when a woman is inside loving it.
A little girl named Tuesday, and a son with the middle name Comfort would be the light in my life. Sometimes I think I want babies more than I want a husband, but perhaps I only want a husband so that I can have babies.
Satisfaction was yesterday when J said, "today is a fun day." And it was just us doing our thing: tennis, dinner, homework. I want that so much. Family. Love. Unbridled love.
I'm a raw nerve and, damn, that scares men. All my emotions are immediate and intense. The emotional value of a situation is the first thing I notice. Being around me makes people have to confront feelings, and a lot of people can't deal with that, girls too. I only ignore feelings when I'm with strangers. I'm not saying I'm a freak; I obviously have lots of friends so there are obviously plenty of people who aren't scared of any part of me and probably think I'm talking out my ass right now and I'm thankful for all you lovely friends who love me just the way I am; don't think I take you for granted. Thanks to all you boys who think I'm hot and sexy, and you girls, too, for that matter, but the point is, I am single, and I think that part of the reason why is because of my extra-strength emotions. You guys get me, so I keep you around, and I don't even try to be around people who don't get me. Like Emily, Amrin, ex-boyfriend, and Zack Westfall... I don't think he ever quite got me.
Yeah, and like the English teacher. He called yesterday to ask me (and Mrs. C) to help V with her grammar. He pisses me off, I think he sucks, but I just stick to the subject with him. I'm not even passive agressive. He doesn't matter and I don't need people like him in my life. But I don't let my friends hide their feelings, and from them I don't hide my own.
Side note, speaking of Amrin: anyone want to know why he wasn't at Maggie's big-ass party when I was in town? He was in Virginia with Noelle. Yes, that's right, his twice-over ex-fiance who banned him from talking to me. He flew out to see her becuase she was lonely. hahahahahahah. He forgot I was coming into town. mmm-hmm. I asked him if they were both just stupid that they could kick it and never mention their problems. He didn't like that question too much. Yeah, I don't need him in my life.
I called Jon last night and left a message. If he doesn't jump out of his skin with excitement that a girl called him, then he is an ass clown. If he doesn't call me back then my life remains the same and what else did I expect?
I know my friends love me; I read their kind words and I know I'm valuable to them. I know I'm valuable to me. I don't want to kill myself, I just want a voice from heaven to confirm that my deepest desire will one day come true.
When I was in Cleveland for the wedding I commented that Lisa had used a color scheme that I had wanted in my wedding.
"Don't worry," Maggie said. "Everyone will have forgotten by the time you get married."
WHY DO I SPEND SO MUCH TIME TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT!
I'm frustrated about graduate school, too. All the paperwork my professors were supposed to be doing for me hasn't come in the mail (okay some of it did, and I read Mrs. Dr. Dirksen's refernce letter through the envelope and I like what I saw. She's a saint. But Melton and Summerlin are taking their sweet time, so's the records office with my transcripts. Damn it!). If I weren't so ambitious and talented I could have just gotten an associates degree, married a good man, and taught Sunday school. I'd have three kids by now and a book club. Instead I have to be solitary in NYC trying to get into grad school.
Uh-oh, I feel like sleeping. This isn't good. It's my "sleep until it goes away" mechanism.
God, help me.
