my friends are HOTT and prodigious geniuses
I sat in Barnes and Noble last night talking to a Jewish nerd who spoke icessantly of dwarves. I really crave face-to-face discourse, so I indulged him. When I claimed to be a nerd myself, he told me I looked too good to be a nerd.
This has always bothered me that people equate beauty with happiness.
"What's a pretty girl like you doing looking so sad?" I once was asked.
"What's pretty got to do with sad?" I asked, more serious than mocking.
I think all my friends are nerds. And they're hot.
Not just "hmmm, okay" but HOTT. Nice racks, tattoos, piercing eyes, full lips, straight teeth, and oh God do they dress well. They're fast-witted and good dancers. They hold their liquor and engage listeners. They're lovers like none other and they are artists. Walkers in the rain. Barefoot and impatient yet reluctant and ambivilent. They invent disarming jokes that leave behind them a wake of laughter, shame, and confusion to listeners-from-the-outside. Their brilliance has populated their vocabulary with a purely invented vernacular. And they are beautiful.
I'm going to reclaim some joy for myself today. Listening to grand fun music like the Beasty Boys instead of ambient moody music like My Bloody Valentine. I'm going to bathe. I'm going to eat. I'm going to go to a thrift store.
I will stop thinking that I'm going to die soon.
I will stop wondering what disease might be hastening my death.
I will stop seeing my life as a cell, and instead as a shuttle: transportation.
I will stop writing and go do my work.
I love you. Really I do. You amaze me, and you've always done so well to protect me and keep me out of trouble. People accuse you of only thinking about me, but I am eternally grateful. Someday I'll repay you. Show you my appreciation. But for now, know I'm grateful.
adendum
I went to the thrift store and I bought some leg warmers.
And I put a gash down the side of my bosses car. That really stresses me out.
There is a mutilated, decapitated bird in our driveway today.
I tried to enjoy today. I look good. My hair is growing out, and my new denim jacket is fun.
I can't stop listening to the Appleseed Cast. They were in concert in Brooklyn on the night I went out with Jon to see Harry Potter. I should have gone and seen them, because I can't find their cd's here. Not even in the City.
I hope everyone got home from school safely. I look forward to hearing from you once you're settled.
I'll make sure I do some stupid shit this weekend to write about, okay?
