the way I do things isn't the way it ought to be done

I'm listening to Joni Mitchell right now. I grew up listening to her, and of course - as a child - I was primarily interested in her up-beat, cheery songs, but now my life has given me perspective on the sad songs, and that's almost all I listen to.

I've been listening to a lot of sad songs, actually. None of which are pertinent to my current condition. I'm happy, successful, blessed, prosperous, young, educated, and secure. I should be listening to pop-radio and wearing glitter.

It's funny, because I listen to songs about feeling guilty, like "Lover, You Should've Come Over," and I feel connected, but I don't have any guilt. I'm glad I'm not with anyone who's been interested so far.

I do, however, have guilt over the hearts I've broken; the men I've turned down, after leading them on - or loving - and I've just recently realized how I feel.

David
Jesse
Patrick

Those are the big ones, the ones that managed to make me feel like shit for not wanting to spend the rest of my life with them. David battled me for months, you know, and made me stand my ground the whole time. I feel guilty about the necessity of becoming a "bitch" to break out of bad situations.

This is why I usually dread dates, because I sense that I'm not going to marry the guy, and I fear what he'll make me do to walk away from him.

"Yeah, you can leave," they say. "But you're not getting out of here with that sweet dignity you walked in with."

These songs I listen to, though, are usually about guilt for ruining a love that should have been. I don't have any Bell Bottom Blues, though, no one who I would beg to take me back.

So what about this guilt that I feel?

I've never been broken up with - not formally - but I have been ignored until I went away. Three times.

I guess there just aren't any songs about being glad you dumped someone, but are sorry for how you did it, so I listen to songs about being sorry you dumped someone.

I've looked all around for different types of men, and I know what is most important to me. I know what I'm looking for (in an abstract sense), but I'm tired of being in love with the future. I'm weary with waiting for the alignment of the stars that will bring Cupid's arrow, and then all the mysteries of love will be revealed in my heart and his.

I could make a five-question survey that would help me determine definitively if a guy were a "no" or a "maybe."

My cousin tells me that heartbreak is a part of life. Get over it.

I'm so sick right now: I feel like a bug crawled inside my ear and is eating my brain then spitting it out my nose.

There's no date this weekend. Too bad, I wasn't even dreading going out with him. If he calls today I'm going to make him wait till next weekend. You don't call on Friday to make plans for Saturday: that's just wrong.

I think I'll go Christmas shopping tomorrow.

Maybe I'll make up cards with the five questions on it and hand it out to anyone hot who hits on me from now on. If they come out positive I'll give them my number, and negative I'll save us both the trouble.

Just come around. Grow up. Get out on your own. Know yourself. Become independent. Manage your own life. Then you'll be ready.