G's Up, Ho's Down

Fuck a Tuesday.

Right now I'm angry. Tomorrow it will probably melt into dissapointment, though. Compared to the Michaela of two weeks ago I am dissapointed. I thought that a good thing had come along. Something different. Someone who said things about me like:

Also, I know you are probably reading this, but I just have to say this, cause it is, afterall, my diary. Sometimes you discover a person of such passion and intrigue to you, and not even knowing them besides some words you read on a computer, you just think, wow, I wish I knew a person like this, or I wish I knew this person right now, or maybe I'll know this person soon. Also, wow, I think I know this person allready, somehow...I had to say that.

In the string of weak-spirited guys who hint at sticking around for some good times, it had appeared that I had found a kindred, someone like me, and someone who would become a friend in this coldest of months in this coldest of cities. Like the old country song says, though, "since my phone still ain't ringin' I assume it still ain't you."

Damn.

You tell a guy all you want is a bottomless cup of coffee and three packs of cigarettes and it still comes across as being too demanding for him.

I'll tell you why Michaela is still a goddam virgin: because of her "no sex till the third date" rule. Get it?

I woke up on this fucking Tuesday with an email from Tylere. Yes, my Tylere whom I adore and write about so often. He who loves me to love him but doesn't love me back. He who is in England.

The last email I got from him I read the moment after I got to Asit's apartment after meeting Matthew. My sentiment was, "gosh, Tylere's great, but he's not here, or willing. But Matthew IS here." I really am dissapointed.

Anyway. Tylere has sent me three emails from England, which blows my mind, because he often goes a full month without writing to me, and it lets me know he does indeed see me as a good friend.

This email was short. Like always. Talking about the progress being made in the film adaptation of our favorite book (The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay). Then he said it had been far far too long since he saw me last.

Then he signed it, "much love."

He usually signs it "stay warm" and I used to fantasize that he actually meant "love you" with that. Just read this.

I got so excited. He used the "love" word. I wish you all knew Tylere so you knew his vocabulary doesn't include this word often.

I wrote him a letter, and I cried.

Anyone who reads this regularly knows how long I've been wishing I could cry. It hurt so bad to know he was so far away. I can't touch him. And when it had appeared that perhaps someone would be around to touch, the locals decide one by one to freeze me out.

I swear, if it weren't for Asit I'd pack up and go back right now.

I cried hard, too. It felt wonderful.

Then I went to Target and had the most fun picking out things to mail to Tylere in a care-package. Over seas. Damn, I'm a good friend! I even found a little bag of buttered-popcorn Jelly Belly Jelly Beans. Couple that with the compilation CD I sent him away with, and if he doesn't fall in love with me now (after three years and me asking him TWICE and him turning me down) then I guess I might actually outgrow him.(yeah right)

It was fun shopping for him, though, but in a very bittersweet kind of way. Mainly because when he returns he'll be back in Tennessee and I'm still not going back to Tennessee. You see?

I bought a Sublime CD. Not sure why. It was $9.99 and I just decided I wanted to hear the "Date Rape" song.

So then that made me think of Amrin. Because he's from Long Beach, California. But there was "too much drama in the LBC" for us to remain friends. Despite the precious time we spent as the friends-everyone-swore-were-dating. Same with me and Tylere.

I do that a lot.

"We're just friends." But,

"We don't hang out with other members of the opposite sex."

After listening to Sublime it just seemed like a natural progression to listen to Taking Back Sunday. I never listen to that CD, but it worked today.

I hear Amrin still asks about me.

The kids were sweet. Blah blah blah.

Then I slipped and totally BOUGHT the pavement in front of the orthodontist office tonight.

My left elbow and left knee are skinned and bloody and sore and barely mobile.

J said God was punishing me.

I gave him a rather stern, "stop it now; I'm serious," and he sat quietly the whole ride home, then gave me a hug once we got inside. Bless his heart. He thought I was mad at him.

I've cried intermitently all day. After we got home I cried some more. Weepy bullshit. Hormones. Sore body. Confused-as-fuck mind. No clue where to put my (trust/excitement/energy/heart).

Anyway. This is how I'm doing today.

Happy? Sure thing. Tylere loves me much.

Angry? Sure thing. I supposed I'd found a friend and was wrong.

Dissapointed? Sure thing. There's still something not quite right about me.

Good night.