we're going union, like they say
At around six thirty this morning, just before sunrise, I moved to my bed, and as soon as daylight rose I slept soundly until eleven in the morning.
My dreams torment me with constant music (but incongruous and repetitive), constant dialogue (for instance, I will tell an entire recent history of myself, word for word), while images of episodic stories compete for my "attention".
Oh, and then there's the background voice of my mind saying, "you're not really asleep right now; you've been trying to sleep for hours, though; see how cold your nose is? that means you're awake..."
So here I am with nearly an entire day wasted, after nearly an entire night lost, and I'm so confused I could cry.
Yesterday morning Joe helped me out of bed because he needed my help to finish his math homework. He was here at 9:30 (I only went to bed at 1:30, but felt like I didn't fall asleep until 7:00...) and I had to be up.
My day was full, as Tuesday's and Thursday's are, but I felt so exhausted last night. This condition is disturbing me to the point of making me frightened.
Heather and Amelia are having bad weeks so Ashley and I need to do something sweet for them on Sunday.
I'm so thankful I don't have to wonder about who my girlfriends are.
As far as the guys are concerned, I could describe it as an algorithm (me), which after receiving an input of vectors (dudes), makes sequential changes based on the importance (weight) of any one input. Each change alters my spacial orientation (sort of like in a waltz), until finally I (the algorithm) stabilize at an optimal position (which requires the least energy).
I have no idea what the optimal position is, though.
Take Joe for instance: We're going to be here, together, in this program, for many years. In fact, our programs might even become more intwined as the models he works with are also used for language. Right now we get along great and see each other regularly and talk regularly and we still make each other smile. We're still getting to know each other, and since I know he isn't going to dissapear, how well will I know him?
Ever since I told Winter he should not persue me, Joe has had what I like to interepret as a "nanna-nanna-boo-boo" attitude when we're together. It's sort of cute, too. But we haven't all three been together enough for me to know for sure.
So at lunch yesterday, ($2 cheeseburgers), I tell the girls that someday maybe things will change with me and Winter and the possibility still remains we could date. BUT, if we do it wouldn't be casual, and the longer you can delay the serious, the better, I told them.
Then I shared my philosophy of if intentional sabotage and fail then you never have to worry about accidental sabotage.
Ashley just looked at me and said, "what if it's Joe? and not Winter?"
My reply: "He would totally have to reconcile his hostile feelings towards God before that could happne - for both of us."
Amelia said, "sounds about as plausible as Winter maturing."
For most things in general I enjoy the flutter of permutations, like in school. But right now I'm weary with the boys and the back, back, forth, forth...
