when I get that feeling, I need, something
Yesterday I wept when I came home from school. I tried to keep from it, by relaxing with pizza, Dr. Pepper, and the new JANE magazine.
Pizza gone, more soda, and read the mag cover to cover before picking up my analysis, at which point I couldn't keep from the weepiness.
It was returned to me yesterday with corrections - but no grade - because somewhere I *missed* completely what I was supposed to know. So it must be redrafted by next Thursday, and that will be graded.
The hardest part right now is to not make more out of this than it really is. My mind is telling me I don't belong here. Then the whole construct boils down to my insides whining, "do you belong anywhere?"
I feel so comfortable here in Bloomington -- more than GA, TN, or NY -- and I'm scared of what I'll do if all this turns to shit.
So I needed to talk last night, but I didn't know to whom, and I didn't know what to say when I called.
My mind was filled with thoughts of Amrin. Spending time with him was always like a "favorite t-shirt" moment. I longed for that boy's body.
"Cuddling with you is comfortable in any position" he'd say.
The only link I have to him right now, since no phone number or email address reaches him, is through his brother at Princeton - who I found on Friendster. The note I composed was something like, "...I miss him, and I love him, and I'd like him to know that."
But the site just lost the message.
So I turned to my friends. Nick and Gary are my two most comforting people to IM, and they came online one after the other, and then Jordan came online, too.
Followed by a wonderful, late, silly phone call from Maggie.
She said it's best I not contact Amrin, because that whole story is better left to the past. I love how well she knows me and my life, and how I can't bullshit her. For instance, it would be so easy for me to go to dinner tonight and convince the girls that Amrin and I were perfect for each other until death do us part. But not Maggie. She remembers the whole experience.
Which is what sort of scares me about Kasey. Joy called the other day and told me Kasey is moving to Africa to continue work with some missionaries. Even though Kasey is agnostic, he loves the work there. Joy suggested that this could be the alteration required for him to be my One. I asked her please to not say such things.
Maggie said she agrees I've done right to not call him, but if he ever called I ought not hang up on him.
The strange thing is that the memory of my feelings for Amrin and Kasey still burn, but not for Tylere. Maybe because we're still friends. I don't know.
My friends are good for me, though, and I thank God for them all. I'd like to put in writing that I am extremely blessed for being as loved as I felt last night before falling asleep. Thank you Nick, Gary, Jordan, and Maggie.
This morning I awoke, though, to a reply from Amrin's brother, which necessarily implied that my "failed" message last night wasn't so failed. He said Amrin doesn't have a phone, so he doesn't speak with him that often, but he'd be glad to give him my message, and is there a number for me.
::sigh::
Tonight after class the girls and I are meeting at the favorite uni pub, "Bear's Place", for dinner before Aaron takes me to the basketball game tonight. It's going to be a very spirited evening, in a Big Red sort of way, as IU hosts Minnesota.
Aaron is here (as opposed to gone). And he's excellent company. But the sexuality is missing.
I know I applauded it in the beginning, that he had other ways of expressing his interest besides sexual looks and touches, but after enough mutual interest has been confirmed I believe sexuality is important.
Amrin sat on my lap to introduce himself to me, and never stood further than six inches away from me.
Kasey was more of a gentleman, but his eyes were terribly expressive of the sexual disturbance I caused him.
I won't tell you about how flirty and sexy Matthew is because he reads this. Let's just say he circles over head for a bit before swooping in for the kill.
I'm going to clean my apartment in case Aaron wants to come inside tonight...
