fraction of the sum

I arrived to Joe's with cookies and alcohol and good hair and I saw his eyes follow my movements. We were smiley and comfortable and it took me a very short amount of time to drink all six of my Guinnesses.

Probably because I chugged two of them with some Irish cream. I'm really fast at chugging Guinness, by the way.

It was obvious to me that Joe enjoyed having me there, and my overt flirting was pleasant for him, but he was not going to reciprocate.

So I made a phone call and got a ride to another party. Joe was displeased, and he hugged me tightly, but it wasn't enough to translate into, "stay with me". So I left.

Immediately I was angry with myself for about 58 different reasons.

I was that girl last night.

So I just sent him an apologetic text page, knowing he'd know what I meant, and his quick reply was, "you are fine, talk to you tomorrow".

He's very kind, indeed.

I was that girl last night.

The one who premeditatedly arrives with the intention to seduce when prior agreements and better judgement have made that unacceptable.

I don't like myself for having done that.

Especially since it's not really him that I want. Which makes me 29 times more evil than just a standard seductress. For whatever reason I love making out with boys who I've decided are not good for dating, and we're "just friends". Over and over I do this.

Then I get rejected.

Then I hate myself.

I can't really even look at myself today. I'm rude and thoughtless and deceptive and two-faced and a phony.

A goddam phony.

I'm so mad that Kasey has my Life After God book because I need some of my margin-notes from it.

I'm weak, and I'm sorry. I apologize to myself for being so careless with me. I deserve to treat myself better than that. I embarrassed myself last night and that's not very kind of me.