I Can Do It Myself
...could a lot of things.
I think I need a roommate.
Tylere called last night and I realized I'd been alone in my apartment for about five hours: an aloneness which would continue for another twenty hours.
Then I realized I do this all the time.
Then I realized this is something which I had never known myself to be capable of. Hours upon hours of sitting alone in my apartment with no interaction.
My apartment gets messy quickly. I'm scattered. I sit on my corner of the sofa, near the radiator, drinking Dr. Pepper, with this computer in my lap and scratch off minimal layers of homework from my mountain which was assigned. Somehow I make A's... But I'm lazy, friends. I miss seminars and colloquia and reading groups because I can't get out of bed in the morning.
Any morning. It doesn't matter if I'm happy or sad. Joe didn't make a difference. Being home didn't make a difference. Going to bed before midnight won't make a difference.
I think the problem is that I have too little ritual for my everyday. If I had daily routines, and then afterwards had to squeeze in homework, then I'd feel more productive. Also, I might need to get a roommate.
This is lovely, standing here at the kitchen counter in my underwear drinking coffee and typing an entry: but... maybe -- maybe I just live well with others.
Why can't I learn to take care of myself?
This was the problem in NY, too. I spent the entire day alone, hiding from the cold, sitting on the internet, and then I'd fly like a whirlwind in the evening when the children were home.
I still have that whirlwind. It finishes papers and readings and homework at three in the morning the night before. It brings me back low A's, when a high A would have only meant working on it sooner.
My dear Nick says at least I still have the whirlwind.
How can I change my own motivation? I could draw comparisons and see that I'm not too shabby, but there are easier things to draw than comparisons.
Like elephants, for instance.
I am unhappy with myself and I want to change. I want to learn how to be the best I can be completely alone. I do not want to depend on a roommate to do for me what I won't do for myself.
I have learned to live without parents, family, friends, and I'll learn to live without roommates.
(One could argue that I've learned to live without lovers, but I tend to argue on the side that I have not. I learn to live without each individual one that leaves, but not to live without the next one to come along. Also, I have the disposition of knowing someone is always interested in me. If that ended I'd really have to recalibrate. Because I know I'm weak and need to feel desired, even if only from a distance.)
So welcome to my life, cold winter, I would despise you if you weren't so dependable. I imagine myself strangling you, but I know you would only laugh as my fingers became frozen and impotent. But I will find your weakness. I will discover my inner defenses. I cannot destroy you, cruel season, but I'm damn sure as hell not going to let you destroy me.
I've got too far to go.
