the year to be hated, so glad that we made it

I reached beyond my bubble today. But before discussing the bubble I'll just tell you for what I reached: The director's cut of Donnie Darko. It made me cry, again. I'm glad the director had it re-edited. Now all the deleted parts and the book can make sense at a first run.

I'm glad I got to thank Jake Gyllenhaal for making that film. I hope I'm not the only person who's done that.

So I have no work to do right now and it feels very empty. My direction is clear but I need to extinguish this fog so I can see some good steps to take along the way. I mean, I have no job and only one class and so I don't even have to really wake up every morning. I make myself go to the gym. I crochet stuff and read books. But what should I be doing? As a grad-student I mean? Anything to prepare myself for my PhD? Is there anything I *can* do? Have I done it?

I just need work, though. Really and truly. The expenses for which I need to prepare are mounting. Not just the move, but cavity fillings, a new timing belt, the LSA conference this summer (not the Louisianna Sherrifs Association, but the Linguistic Society of America), and personal stuff... like an iPod...

But in two weeks I'm going on a nice trip to Florida for a bachelorette party in Orlando. I shall drink cosmos and apple-martinis and talk about sex as we carouse about in a limousine. Because that's what bachelorettes do. Then I'll be with Mike for St. Patty's and our One Year Anniversary.

So I'm just going to buy a new party frock - a green one - and keep doing my pilates, and I'm sure there will be a job for me when I come back. Selling Buffalo wings or trendy clothes or something.

The reason why I'm talking about my petty frustrations is because I'm consumed with worry for my sister. Equally, I'm consumed with earning my mother's acknowledgement that I am a grown woman. But these are things that have always been the most unbearable to write about in my journals, and must only appear between the lines. I mean, my family is the hardest thing for me to discuss. Perhaps you've noticed now that Mike too has sort of fallen out of my regular update. This is because he's like my family now.

I've talked to Mike every day since the Tuesday he came and broke up my date one year ago. Every day.

I need strength - as a daughter and a sister - right now.