the devil's rusted train
Somehow I found myself dancing to Michael Jackson with a bunch of non IU folks, and it was fun.
Taxis in Bloomington are shit: they charged me $5.50 to go 1.4 miles.
I went to church with my neighbor today, at the Vineyard (where the music is tired), and a man had a heart attack.
I didn't notice at first, even though he was sitting in the same row of chairs where I was, because I couldn't get into the music and had sat down and was reading from Hosea because that story kills me. I mean, Pedro the Lion knew what I feel, but that minor prophet and his prostitute wife is one of my favorite Bible-stories.
So this man is lying down, and crying, and people have gathered to him, and soon the speaker announces what is happening so that we can begin praying.
The EMTs arrived and gurnied him out.
I haven't felt quite right all day.
I ate lunch at Subway with a bunch of twenty-somethings from the church and it was run-of-the-mill.
I can't focus for some reason. On anything. Everthing is encrusted to the surface of my brain and I can't really get down inside to focus.
I'm dreading hearing from Kasey because I *know* I will eventually.
The fact that there is dread there makes me assured that I will never marry him. I've had this thing that no man I will fall in love with is going to ever be a source of pain for me.
Another point for Tylere: I've loved every minute I've ever spent with him (it's the not-being-with-him that's made me hurt).
I was thinking I'd try to make it to Chicago for New Years, but my dad decided to get married that day.
Now I officially have six "parents".
So my saying of "one parent short of a six pack" won't be useable.
My wedding is going to be a logic-problem to solve.
l, m, n, o, p, and q are all at a wedding; m can only sit between p and q; o cannot sit beside n; l can only sit beside n if q is on the other side of l
Something like that.
I'm making some black beans now; maybe it'll boost my iron, and my energy, and my morale.
I'm tired of just barely accomplishing things. I never breaze past the finish line with lagging successors: I'm always grazing the competition and winning by default.
Where do people go to find sources of motivation? and what do I lack?
