unstuck in time

This morning's discomfort is comfortable because it's familiar. The knowing that tonight I'll be across the finish line seems to make undaunting all the stomach-churning, heart-rending pain I'm in right now. The pain of winter's chilly illness embracing my sleep(deprived?)-walking, with caffine and nicotene warming my insides, I make the decision that enough is enough and turn in the printed pages with a helplessness in knowing there's nothing more I can do.

Despite how much more I could have done.

Indeed, my final papers and exams are being turned in and now I throw up my hands and declare my best effort as having been made, and it is beyond my control after this point.

Anxiety, certainly, but an anxiety I thrive on. An anxiety which makes my upcoming vacation feel well-deserved. In peace I will entertain my traveling guests tonight. In peace I will sleep with no alarm in the morning.

After my recuperation during the Holiday I will return with the same enthusiasm as my "next mission, should I choose to accept it," is presented me.

This is the only job I love, no matter what piss-poor job I do (compared to my ability). It's too late to mourn my performance... especially when the marks come back high in spite of myself.

But I'm waxing...

Last night Amelia pulled me to the cafe where we sat and worked. I've never studied in public with a laptop, but I think it made me look sexy. Or, maybe my Rudolph-nosed, bleary-eyed hottness was just irresistable.

Then this music began playing, and I realized I knew it... owned it... but could not identify it... Was it AFI? It had a trashy double-bass kick.

Amelia and I finished the night at Mother Bear's - pepperoni pizza and salad with Goldfish on it and we both eat bleu cheese dressing - which was just enough to keep me going the rest of the night.

My final for Kitagawa involved my having to implement a hypothesis which he himself attempted to develop (and in that syntactical theory is intended to describe my intuition I am decidedly against his hypothesis), and it cleary did not apply since it was a subject hypothesis and the sentence I was instructed to parse had no subject... But it's turned in now, so I can do no more.

After I had been lying bed for fifteen minutes - near four a.m. - my coughing, delerious brain fired in retiscent activity:

"Michaela!" My excited brain awoke me. "Go put in The Mars Volta because that's who was playing in the cafe!! Not AFI... Aren't you thrilled I figured it out for you?"

So I had to praise my brain, placate her if you will, so she would shut up and go to sleep with me. I was not going to rise and put in a CD.

"That's Joe music," she continued, determined to have the last word.

Once my paper is turned in I will go home, nap, clean, and await my darlings.