let me be honest with you

I've been clawing at my paradigm the last few days, trying to discover the magical kink-in-the-hose that once straightened will release the blast of air that scatters the fog and I'll see my future spread like a valley before me. In this valley my desires, and skills, and talents, and education all come together.

I've been trying to force my own fairy-tale, I guess.

"...and it wasn't until the princess realized that she had been living in fear of mispronouncing words on Indian restaurant menus that she was able to live happily ever after."

So I checked my hose; gave it a good once-over. I found no kinks.

I mean, I'm normal. I'm screwed up, but I'm not closed off. There is no debate where my "issues" arise, and what from; but nothing is repressed.

There is a fine line between hiding problems and just good, old-fashioned coping. It's not always easy to recognize - in others and especially in one's self - but I've seriously spent conscious time scouring the crannies of my soul, and all my cards are on the table.

You see it all right here.

I've only been in love once. And I loved him with all my being.

He knew this; on one occassion he said, "I am the only one here to protect you, and I'm the only thing you need protection from." He knew my vulnerability was detrimental to me, and he also knew he was too fascinated with his strength over me to rescue me from my weakness (i.e. him).

I packaged my heart very carefully. Like secretly packing my bags while he slept. And one day I looked him in the eyes and told him my heart was gone and he needed to be, too. I - who cried at commercials and any shit - stood dry and he knew I was right.

I have no idea how to get my heart back (the romantic part... my family and friends are loved); it's like I can't remember where I put it.

I cry for huge catastophries now, but I can't cry for ME since then.

Three and a half years.

Preceeding him I was afraid of marrying someone like my father (who moved out the moment I left for college, divorced my mother on Valentine's Day, and fought for custody of my brothers on Mother's Day). So I began fearful, failed, escaped, and am now terrified. A 24-year-old virgin.

But running alongside this story line in my life has been my connection with God. Not church or teachers or parents, but God. There has always been his presence in my life, and the unmistakeable times he speaks to me. I can't explain this, but it brings me joy, and hope, and peace.

Joy?

Hope?

Peace?

I rob myself of all three on a daily basis, but this - my God - restores them. And no matter how desperately ill my situation is, I always have this stupid (childlike?) certainty that everything is going to be okay.

I can deal with my dad.

I can deal with my biological dad.

I can deal with the ex-boyfriend.

I can deal with death.

I can deal with poverty.

I just think: "It's not in my control. I'm so small. I'm only responsible to keep myself from slipping behind."

So, I don't know where I'm headed. And I don't know what I have to do to find a life of my own and start my own family. But I believe with my whole heart that these desires are the seeds of what will come if I am patient.

I guess I'll go read a book since today I bought:

Life After God - Coupland

The Brothers Karamazov - Dostoyevski

Frannie and Zooey - Salinger

The Corrections - Franzen