it's hard to be brave when you're a very small animal

All day long he looked for ways to figure out how to make me smile. Bless his precious heart. Messages and text pages and phone calls. I still feel like my neuroses are a mystery to him. I hope they will not always be. I mean, I am neurotic, and paranoid, and these things don't bother him. Sometimes I think he'd be pleased if I were med-regulated. I'm scared of getting a diagnosis, though, because what if they tell me I'm a paranoid schizophrenic?

I just have these bouts of self-loathing where I need to hear the same old shit I'm supposed to already know. His attitude is, "if you already know it then why are you doubting it?"

or, "if you're doubting what you already know then what good will hearing it again do you?"

So, do I try to stop having my down-swings? Or does he try to figure out how to ease them? It's not like there's anything wrong with him. Because there's nothing wrong with me. Except for that I'm momentarily depressed. This is what happens to me. My mindset is in many ways irrational (though triggered by very rational concerns... generally about money... money is the most depressing thing to me), so the balm for me doesn't have to be rational, either.

I like hearing that I'm normal, you know? I like to read books about people like me. Listen to rock'n'roll from people like me. Watch movies depicting people like me. Then I'm not alone.

Then I'm not a freak.

Maybe it's a chick thing? Sounds like a copout. I'm not hard to console. He'll learn. Because he wants to.

There something very pure about his affection towards me. Very strong - like the platinum on my finger - and when I want Champagne, I'm sure that it's only his pure water that I ever need to live.

Warm weather has come to Bloomington. Let the flowers come forth!

When I was in highschool I'd have weeks where I would listen to each of my CD's - in alphabetical order - from cover-to-cover one after the other. This took me from the Allman Brothers to ZZ Top. Probably took me a couple of days. Not very long considering I stopped at night and for other things, etc.

Actually, at night I'd put in Van Morrison's Tupelo Honey on repeat, put headphones on, and sleep like that. (Imagine what that album does to me now!)

So my albums, technically, would probably only have gotten me through one 24 hour period.

Now my iPod tells me I'm up to 9 of those 24-hours, but I'm guessing when I finish uploading everything it'll be closer to 12. That makes me so happy.

These days, though, it's 2Pac to ZZTop. Don't knock the latter, either, if you have only heard Legs. Download Blue Jean Blues (and you'll download four minutes and forty-four seconds of my heart) and you'll know why Jimi Hendrix called Billy Gibbons his favorite American guitarist.

Between sunshine and a new-found pleasure in my record collection I think I'll have a good day today.