He's Simple, He's Dumb, He's the Pilot
The whole problem is because I'm too damn stubborn.
Today has been long and rainy and I didn't get the chance to eat anything. Coke. Doritos. SweetTarts.
Then I saw Joe - for the first time since Friday - and he sat by me in class, and we shared Skittles, and he talked like normal.
After class he was chatting with some other classmates while I deliberately took my time putting on my coat and my bag and my headphones. He was stilll talking. I walked into the hallway. He was still talking. I stepped out into the rain and lit a cigarette. He never followed.
Eventually the bus came and I was deposited at home, after standing in the rain for half an hour.
Now, I wasn't completely leaving it up to him... While I smoked I called his phone (just in case he'd ran back to his lab or something) but it went to his voicemail rather quickly. Did he send it there himself? On purpose? Not taking my call for some reason?
Now, most nights he'd offer me a ride by saying, "do you need me to give you a ride?" To which I'd reply, "I don't need you to do anything, but a ride would be nice." Thus I have primed him to my independent bullshit attitude.
The ride is irrelevent to the fact that I just wanted to talk to him. Usually we found each other before class on Tuesdays, and though I was in "normal" position - he never arrived. He could be avoiding talking to me privately. Regardless. I'm angry.
Maybe I should have just stood at his elbow while he talked after class. Maybe I should have a lot of things, but this is not the case.
I sent a text page (a good two hours after we parted) that said, "I lost you after class... sorry... meant to say something." Not that that's way cool of me or anything, but he will at least know I didn't just walk out the door.
He might be feeling like I just walked out the door without talking to him.
But there's been no response. He's busy, I know. I didn't want to kick it. He's got a lot of reading to do. He probably stayed in his lab to do it. Driving me home would probably have been troublesome for him. That's okay. I just wanted to talk to him above a class-time whisper.
Goddammit!!
I go six weeks fauning over him every day and then one day - for no apparent feelings of aggravation - we stop... Stop it all. So I haven't seen him in four days. Four days are nothing. Except for four days. I just wanted to be in his company a while. But I don't get the satisfaction of knowing why I get no satisfaction. I hate this familiar feeling.
And I'm mad. Whether justified or not.
I have four papers due next Tuesday.
