my internal drill-seargent
Stop saying I'm hard on myself. I'd gladly have someone else who could tell me what to do, or take care of me, but I don't. I am my only guide, my only disciplinarian, my only accountability. Yes, perhaps I am doing things well: compared to *somebody*, and I can find at least one person to affirm any decision I could make. But I have standards, and I'm responsible to keep myself straight. I have to be hard on myself, because everyone else is so soft with me.
If I asked someone they'd say, "of course he'll call! What makes you think he wouldn't? Any guy I know would call you!"
And I could believe that, and then when he didn't call I'd feel like I had been fooled (i.e. caught unaware).
If I tell myself, "I don't expect him to call." Then any call -- at any time -- is a bonus, and no call is normal.
This is not the same as me saying, "I don't deserve to be called." Of course I know he SHOULD want to talk to me. But I don't expect all people to understand my worth all the time.
So I'm hard on myself, but that's because there's a tender, sweet Michaela that I have to make sure doesn't get mutilated again. Okay? She's very trusting, and hopeful, and assumes no ill intent. I have to keep reminding her that there's a fine line between being trusting and being a victim.
What's that got to do with laundry?
The laundry is a part of my job, my responsibility, my livelihood, and I've been performing incompletely. This means that I am in a small way failing myself, and this is why it makes me angry, and why I am being "hard on myself."
Someday I will be married to man who I can break-down in-front of, and he'll simply be strong for me. He'll never say, "what do you expect me to do about it?" Because he'll know I have no expectations.
Until then I guess breaking down is out of the question.
