Try just a little bit harder
I hate the word "issue" because I don't think it really means what we use it to mean, and I don't think that when I use it I mean it to be used the way it is used. I hate when people say, "yeah, you've got issues." It's a friggin cop out. I used to know this guy who just waved his pinky finger at the mention of a person he thought had "issues," to signify the sign-language for the letter "i".
Hold on; let me look it up... The second and fourth definition seem to fit my purpose, but the two definitions conflict.
is�sue n. 2. Something produced, published, or offered, as:A final result or conclusion, as a solution to a problem. 4. a. A point or matter of discussion, debate, or dispute: legal and moral issues.The essential point; crux.
Fuck it. The point is, I have gobs of time to spend in introspection and for unraveling the knots of my biological memory. This mental organization I'm going through is tiresome, but with no friends, I'm left with little choice.
I'm not entirely willing to go soul searching these days. I'm satisfied with my soul; we get along real well, my soul and me.
Soul searching seems like a good plan for ending up married, and I'd like that. But for right now, I think it would be cool to have a boyfriend. I've changed so much since I had my last boyfriend, I'm interested in seeing how I'd behave now. I'm sick of going out: the post-college bullshit of dating. I want a relationship with someone who isn't looking over my shoulder every time he gives me a hug. I would like to be carressed and have my hair smelled (smelt?) and my ears kissed. I'd like to be sober when it happens, too.
Screw dating. Dating makes me nervous because I like to know exactly what to expect from the other person. My philosphy is that life has enough surprises so that your companion shouldn't have to. I don't want to worry about if I say too much, or too little, or make him think I'm one wild, crazy bitch so he thinks he can feed me apple martinis until my panties fall off. I'm tired of dates where the whole thing is about "me" or about "him" instead of just "us" getting lost in a day's adventure.
With time alone to think, though, I wonder about myself and why I'm single and what the grand fucking scheme might have in store for me. I like to think that there are productive uses for my time (hence moving to New York) and perhaps there are things in myself that I need to resolve before offering myself to some man. Riiiiiiight. The more I look inside myself, the more shit I find, and the more I think, "I betcha no man is working this hard on his psyche for me!" Here's my most recent discovery of myself, and one reason why I might be single, but really, I'm just occupying time. I don't believe that any revelation is going to produce in me the ability to find true love. I need to stop watching Meg Ryan movies.
For the above reason of not enjoying dating-to-get-to-know-someone, I am most often found being in love with my friends. I think that since I tried the whole love-at-first-sight gig once and it took mye by the hands and twirled me in the misty moon-light, and then it let go and sent me skidding across the pavement on my chin. God that hurt!
I will never tell someone "I love you" without knowing their least favorite word, or their most favorite position for watching a movie, ever again.
Alright, so, look at me: I'm a great friend, but watch out, I might have motives of marrying your ass one day (I hope Jamie is reading this, he probably just got a hard-on). I'm 24... I'm so ready to just come home and find someone waiting in my bed for me to crawl next to and finally get some rest (anyone reading my other journal hifisquander ?).
The trouble is I manage to develop these wonderful friendships with guys and then I feel like the next best thing is to just finish blending into each other's lives and become intimate. I show them what a wonderful friendship we have together, as if I can seduce them with how much fun we have. I dance the good-times in front them like they'll say,
"Hey! You're right! We do laugh at the same jokes! Wanna get married?"
Like the way my mother hoped her four children would make my father love her. She hoped my blue eyes and bubble-ass would make my daddy say,
"Hey! You're right! We did create a lovely daughter! Wanna get married?"
He loves me, she loves me, but they don't love each other... Not like that.
Why should I expect my friend(s) to fall in love with me just because we have good times? It's like I feel that if I can be the most desireable companion, it will also then therefore hereby as it were make me also a desireable lover. Apparently this is not true.
People say that when you stop wanting something, that's when it happens. Yeah, well, I've gone in and out of wanting a boyfriend, and neither has worked, for three years, because the simple fact is that I am a good friend, and I'm a fast friend, and I'm a simple friend, and so no one finds me irresistable, and I'm sick of it.
I met a couple of girls. ugh.
They are foriegn girls who are "au pairs" through an agency. See, I'm just a free-lance nanny. I'm more like a family member, but these girls are "hired help." I make four times what they make.
I went to the mall with them on Sunday. ugh.
They really like me and they call me, and I can't tell them no because I don't have a good reason. I would like to say, "I know you want to kick it with the American girl, but truth be told, it's not going to work."
I went to a Bible study last night and it was relaxing to pray, but I also found no kindreds amongst them.
Why am I so goddam dependent on other people? (haha, I pray and use dirty words; what an enigma; I use that word too much) I don't know why I'm not happy being alone here, and I don't know why it was so easy to find kindreds in TENNESSEE but not in NEW YORK. I must be a fucking weirdo.
