Some Days Sit on My Chest
Hmmmmmm
After my last entry I went to bed and turned the light out on Valentine's Day. The morning was not a morning yet when I rose at 3:30... flight at 6:00. Security totally loved the drink mixer I had bought as a wedding gift. I left my book at ticketing and had to go through security twice. The guard remembered me by watching me remove my belt a second time. No sleep just music and skribbling doodles.
sunrise
sunset
sunrise
sunset
sunrise
I hate to fly.
Landed in Cincinnati for the connector at 8:00 and they said my flight was canceled because of Ohio's inclimate weather. My options were to fly into SOUTH Carolina (as opposed to NORTH Carolina where I was destined) or to wait for seven hours in that airport. Ohio is detestable. I had a roommate once from Cincinnati. She hurt my feelings.
At 10:30 I'm in Greenville, SC renting a car at $55 a day so I can get to the wedding.
By 1:00 I was strolling through a congregation of ralliers for peace. If none of you have seen Asheville it is an absolute counter-culter hub of young people. It's like Athens, GA only smaller. The Appalaichan portal into groovy. I saw a Jehovah's hippie witness. They were all there, actually. It was warm. From the smiles. From the sunshine, too. I wore a short-sleaved shirt and jean-jacket. Part of me felt remiss for not being in NYC for the rally there, so it was good to know Asheville was on the ball.
Found a place for lunch and I start off with a Guinness. After being awake since 3:30am and only having had a cup of coffee, I was totally ready to drink.
The people who would be interested in the story of Saturday night, and of the wedding all day Sunday, are the people who were there. You know? The people who weren't there wouldn't understand.
I will say that my friends touch and speak their love so freely that it was impossible for me to say goodbye. That's the last time I KNOW we'll be together indefinitely. So much love. I love them. I love them. I love them.
Drunk and twirling.
And they all went home in pairs. We used to be a gang, and then the whole group started getting married. There were four of us who are single.
And we're so single.
We're ultimately single.
Me, Daryl, Janet, and Brent. We've all got years under our belt since the last "relationship" we had. So we drank and I bitched about how there would have to be a nursery at my wedding because all those married fuckers would be bringing their kids. In all honesty, though, my friends aren't painful to look at -- in love and all -- but instead they are encouraging.
Monday morning I prepared to meet my biological father's cousin for lunch. She's really nice, but her husband is a psychologist, so every time we're together he gives me a free therapy session on dealing with my attitude towards "Bill". Hmpf. He (the cousin's husband) is a nice man, and I don't resent him, but I'm fucking tired of having to explain myself to people who defend Bill. They tell me how confusing a time it was for Bill. He had created a child, and didn't know where he fit in. Didn't know how to assert himself into my life.
Finally it just poured from me: I was the complication. I was the wrench in the work. No one was excited about me. I was the discomfort that stopped communication between so many people. I have done everything in my power to free every person I depend on of the burden of my well-being, because my childhood was wraught with feeling like a slippery mess instead of any sort of blessing. I didn't come from love (regardless of how much they love me now). If I had been a boy Bill would have raised me. Was I supposed to be a boy? No. I wasn't supposed to be anything. He lived thirty minutes from me my whole life. Nothing stays with me. Shake it off. Look past it. Figure things out for yourself. But in so many ways I will always be an 11 year old girl who just heard her daddy isn't her daddy. My reply then was, "one is bad enough."
It wasn't a bad visit. But I hate when people pull from me and pull from me and pull until I've delivered all my insides for them to touch. I know they'll tell Bill everything I said. Goddammit.
Bill. Dad. David. Tylere. Amrin. Todd. Bobby. Jon. SO COMPLACENT.
I'm not complacent.
A little lazy.
I don't want complacent.
I like men who are at least as tough as I am. I don't want to wear the goddam pants, you know? Let me be the fucking kid, Dad. Let me be the fucking chick, dude. For reals.
So my Monday night flight was canceled. No flight till Wednesday. I drove and smoked so much.
I drove to Atlanta.
I love my sister.
She's too scared to move around.
I'm too scared to stand still.
But all I want is to stand still.
Grab me by my arms and drag me down into rest. Grab me because you can't help it. Settle me. Prove to me I can live and not just dream. Look me in the eye. Grab me. Because you can't help. It.
It's hard to breath because I feel so unsure about my life. I'm tired of living in transition. This weary wonder from wandering. PLANT ME. I swear to God I'll grow. I want to be official. With title. In the station of *blah*.
Come on.
I'll be in NYC tomorrow afternoon. Maggie and I are ready.
