admitting defeat
Liars, though they seems, may actually just be boys bewitched who change their mind once I am no longer visible.
I do not draw conclusions; I only believe the truth. When all the facts are known then I make decisions.
At this point all the facts cannot be known, unfortunately, because I have not received a phone call from Kasey since I left.
I can tell you all the supposed scenarios and excuses. I can tell you about what things were said when I called him (i.e. we have *talked* since I left, but not on his nickle). I can tell you all the things you would likely suggest to me right now.
But none of these things helped me fall asleep last night.
"I'll call you Wednesday, at a reasonable hour, when we can really talk," he told me on Friday night, after I had called too late and woken him up.
"Wednesday?" I replied, with an intonation of injury.
"No, not Wednesday. I'm sorry. Sunday." He corrected himself.
Yesterday evening I went to church with Maggie, Kara, and Amy Campbell. It was very uplifting, because I've known Maggie and Kara for centuries, and Amy is a close, kindred spirit. The service was laid back. One of those churches where all the punk kids go and smoke out front and the pastor references Monty Python and the music is sung to a full band.
One of those churches like I'm used to but don't exist in NYC (if they do they're too deep "underground" and aren't getting the word out very well).
So I got home a little before eleven, after having dinner with the girls at Eats on Ponce de Leon. I love being back in Atlanta!!
I read from my book, Closing Time, by Joseph Heller (the sequel to Catch 22: very good), played solitaire, and smoked.
I tossed and turned and could not sleep until nigh onto three a.m.
I wrote out how I was feeling, as though it were a letter addressed to Kasey, but I know it will not be sent.
It is too soon in what will be a prolonged distance for what has yet to even be declared an anything at all for me to start dropping the hammer.
But this feeling of dissapointment is all too familiar. Men stop calling me, and I don't know why, and all I want is to talk to them so they can tell me.
But I never know why because they don't call.
This is why I take care of myself. Because I don't let me down.
No doubt this is all temporary. In my mind I have made all the arguments in Kasey's favor to assuage my confusion. But even that is conjecture.
And so I don't look like a fool for caring. Or for being excited.
but really, after how he treated me in those three weeks, who wouldn't have been excited? I'm not a fool...
If he is an asshole then I am a fool for believing him.
I think this is why I stayed with David for so long, because I didn't want to have been wrong for loving him so I made good arguments in his favor that excused his behavior.
Despite all this beating around the bush the fact remains that in over a week Kasey has not dialed my number, nor has he emailed.
I will say "fuck it" today.
And then wait.
As usual.
