My Bicentenial Entry

My little girl and I had such fun on Friday night, with our matching shoes and unreserve.

I love this photo of her waiting for the train.

Saturday morning she fucked up her life, though, for the next two weeks and not only got grounded but is in utter lock-down. J suffers, too, by not being able to have they guys over, since they have the same friends.

I was trying to figure out why she is so adamant about dating this bad-boy. She doesn�t have my approval, but she doesn�t hate me like she hates her parents, which is good.

I don�t understand why she doesn�t understand why when I say I know better and that she needs to prolong her childhood that I�M RIGHT!

I asked her to describe her feelings for �Leon� to me. She replied with a question of could it be on a scale of one to ten (one being �I hate you� and ten being �I�m in love�) in which case her feelings are an 8 �.

This made me wish that I could simplify my feelings that quickly. I can�t even rate a guys looks on a scale of one to ten, much less my feelings for him. First of all, the dimensions of my opinion are multiple, and not to mention people themselves are evolving and so is my relationship with them.

Oh, to be twelve and with the assurance that I have figured out the universe!

So the next two weeks will be cop-duty for me.

I left Saturday night and walked to the train station just as the sun disappeared entirely, and after an unusually long train ride I made it out to Brooklyn.

A new neighborhood for me, and therefore in keeping with my New Year�s Proposition (since I don�t call them �resolutions�) to keep seeing more and more of NYC.

The evening was spent like many in my past with dozens of cd�s being played - one song leading into the other � only we were in a bar and not a home, which does have the benefit of the alcohol.

I suffered at the hands of said alcohol.

Why do I try to drink like a truck driver? I�m a lady, with a low tolerance, and a small body, and should respect these truths. I can�t really find the good in continuing to drink after I�m already drunk, and usually I don�t get excessive, but some nights I don�t realize I�ve gone too far until it�s too late (yeah yeah famous last words�.). Really, though, that bartender gave me two shots of something I know not what of.

Matthew and I do certainly have similar music taste, but I might even go further and say that we have identical taste. Fortunately, music taste alone is all it takes to have a happy friendship, because there�s no situation, no argument, and no struggle too difficult that the perfect song can�t help.

Since my weekend-roommate was in Montauk learning to love the suburbs (what the fuck?), Matthew kindly prepared a spot in his living room for me. So there I was at his place, and as I fell asleep I thought to myself,

hanging out is one thing, but I�m going to be here in the morning, so do I leave? Do I wait and hope that I get invited to hang out all day? Will we continue to enjoy hanging out over extended consecutive hours which encompass, drunkenness, soberness, night-life, and day-light? Would I be a total bastard if I left before he wakes up?

As it turned out the Sunday was resplendent in all its sunniness and I enjoyed the company of Matthew�s roommate and friends, and the company of Matthew himself. I�m not going to try it with the names because then I�d mess up and so I�ll just be honest and tell you I�m rude and didn�t remember any of them, except for this girl Christa, but that�s because I met her once in the evening, and again the next afternoon.

Reinforcement.

But ooooooh, he has this roommate who is absolutely stunning. I am overflowing with the wealth of admiration and adoration that I have for this young man. What he said, how he said it, and the way he moved was detail-for-detail a reproduction of an old friend of mine. Without any of you understanding my love of this person, and with my unwillingness to describe it right now, just know that John Martin is the love of my life.

Seriously, this guy decided to invent a shot called the �pap smear� and that was only a fragment of what things he was capable of doing for the benefit of people�s laughter.

Deliberate. Confident. Fierce. Intimidating. Loveable.

Very much like Matthew�s huge-ass sub-woofer.

For some reason it took me two hours to get home last night, and I can�t understand why. I turned on Modest Mouse�s �Moon and Antarctica� as I left the apartment, and it ended as I sat on the LIRR.

The trip out took shorter, but required more waiting.

The trip back was longer, but the only train I waited for was the F, and it was still only a ten minute wait, I ran to connect to the C (got to do one of those cool grab-the-door-as-it-closes moves), I ran to where my LIRR train was already in the station, and yet it took two hours.

While I nestled beneath my down blanket, against my teddy bear (I can�t sleep with my arms around another person, but I can�t sleep without my arms around my bear: this is to me a humorous fact), I received a nice �hope you made it home safely� phone call.

I�m haunted by the sentiments of friends who drop the hatch on first-time-offenders and who criticize second chances and who remind me my mother married the wrong man three times. Forgiveness can be taken too far, indeed.

But this one is under control.

"The First Day of My Life"

Bright Eyes

This is the first day of my life

I swear I was born right in the doorway

I went out in the rain

Suddenly everything changed

there spread blankets on the beach

Yours is the first face that I saw

I think I was blind before I met you

I don't know where I am

I don't know where I've been

But I know where I want to go

So I thought I'd let you know

These things take forever, I especially am slow

But I realized how I need you

And I wondered if I could come home

I remember the time you drove all night

Just to meet me in the morning

Yeah I thought it was strange

You said everything changed

You felt as if you just woke up

And you said, "This is the first day of my life."

I'm glad I didn't die before I met you

Now I don't care, I could go anywhere with you

And I'd probably be happy

So if you want to be with me

With these things there's no telling

we'll just have to wait and see

But I'd rather be working for a pay check

Than waiting to win the lottery

Besides, maybe this time it's different

I mean, I really think you like me