creating a theory
We're experiencing a huge conflation of feelings and timing of events that are making life appear complicated in some lights but crystal clear in others.
Marriage and PhD's are the goal by 2008.
Now that I've found the man I'm looking for I don't know how to live a thousand miles away from him for four years.
He can't move. If he did he'd be AWOL. I will receive an MA in the spring. South Carolina has a PhD linguistics program ranked 7th in the Nation. Plus, my boss is increasingly more impossible to work with.
Additionally, I'm figuring out what kind of person I am when I'm so far away from him, and I don't really like it. I'm extremely reclusive, first of all. The good part is I'm drinking or smoking, but I'm also not leaving my house. Granted, the house is spacious and cozy but I'm loosening ties with people here. Like I'm already packing my bags.
It's sort of like a, "if I can't be with him I don't wanna be with no one" mentality.
Then there's his troubles, too. He's becoming increasingly distressed by our distance as well, but it is not his nature to compensate over the phone. asitwere gives good phone but this fact about him stands out in that it contrasts with how most other men are. So Mike becomes increasingly bored, frustrated, sad, etc.
Pardon me: there are a significant number of moments where the laughter and conversation send us into an extended phone-date. We love it. Pure entertainment.
But after a bad day? All we want is two things:
#1: to be comforted by our lover
#2: to not have to exert more energy
So the Bad Days are confounded. These problems would not exist if we were together. Then we could figure out what real issues might come up instead of these bullshit problems that just keep us from getting our job done.
I need to sleep with him tomorrow night and feel that dreamless rest I have only when I am beside him. I need him to hold me until I wake up Saturday morning. To kiss me and make me laugh.
But I need it every weekend.
For the rest of my life.
I'm not staying in Bloomington.
