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She's known Tylere for more years than I have, and over the years has grown accustomed to the fact that I intend to marry him. She was, in fact, present at that Dashboard/Saves the Day/Hey Mercedes concert where I "fell in love" or whatever.
In the last three weeks all those down-home feelings of "when I grow up I'll marry Tylere" have severely been reduced.
He hasn't called me.
But that's not why: I'm overcome with a sensation that no outcome is immenent.
Except the return of Christ.
And my death.
Those are the only two certainties I feel exist.
The "therefore" to this sensation is: not to pine after anything.
Tylere is absolutely wonderful.
Tylere is absolutely fearful, as well.
But he's not absolute.
He's so scared.
Of everything.
And complacent.
Two things I am NOT.
Why would I want a man that I would have to both support and inspire? When do I get to be supported? Inspired? I seriously would not mind being the weaker vessel for once.
He went home three weeks ago with a promise to send me his phone number in Florida.
When I spoke with Nancy she offered to give me the number, but she made me promise not to call him just yet. She loves him, and me, and like everyone else we know, loves the way Michaela and Tylere interact together. But she does not wish for me the destiny that Tylere is writing for himself right now.
Then yesterday he called and left a message, refering to himself as a "bastard" and asking if I could "find it in my heart to forgive him" and whatnot.
I think I'm psychic in that if I think about a boy long enough he eventually calls and says the things I want to hear.
I don't really think that.
Then he called back and I was quiet and reserved and he drew me out, of course. He soothed and comforted until I was the Michaela he's used to. Until he felt all his wrongdoing undone.
But he doesn't understand that I will always love him and be his friend and three weeks of no calling isn't going to make me recant on that front.
He doesn't understand that I've just realized I shouldn't be in love him any more. He's not going to "wake up and fall in love" one day.
But my heart is going to pound out of my chest when I see him again in ten weeks.
I'll see Amrin, too.
Too bad none of you wonderful men on diaryland actually exist in real life.
Please sign my guestmap so I can see where all you kids is at.
