Tell Me Where It Hurts

So I ended my last entry feeling alientated from my very own physical being and proceeded to do some yoga. Despite my emotional detachment I can still rationally admit that this body is ME and I need to take some kind of conscientious care of it. Today I bought new makeup, too (Sephora is a cosmetic cathedral) so I'll even decorate my body some too.

Makeup is different than taking care of my body, though. I don't do dentists, OBGYNs, or take medicine without forcing myself to. But cutting hair or makeup is for different reasons; no one goes to the dentist and says, "I want teeth like a rock-star."

My make-up says: "Tested on rock-stars, not animals."

Perhaps if someone loved me.

And then showed me love by touching me.

And then I'd feel love from my body and on into my heart. Then I'd feel connected to this.

The sight of me isn't the trigger of emotion for my friends; as it should be.

This isn't to say I haven't found out how to USE my body, obviously. It just isn't ME. Not right now. Not this week.

However, I do carry myself well, I'm told. According to all the sonsofbitches who like to tell me my eyes are the goddam windows of my soul, they can also tell a lot about me from the way I carry myself. They don't say I carry myself like a rock-star, though.

I smoke and drink and stay awake and stop eating just becuase I can't feel my body's needs. I could never tell you if I was two days late for my period because I don't know the fucking cycle.

And I want children?

Maybe by then I'll figure out some things.

Maybe it's not about figuring things out. Maybe it's the snow that I'm not used to.

I need to go call my friend Joshua.

I made a full-blown southern feast tonight. The family was impressed, and full afterwards. The little boy was glad to not be a southerner like me, but said, "no offense."

Pinto beans
Collard greens
Shoepeg corn
Rice
Cornbread
Fresh, sliced tomato, cucumber, and onion

The flavors reminding me of everything before the age of nine, for some reason.

My bosses told me all the things I'm doing right last night. That was much-needed. I finally feel at home here, and that's good because I used all my vacation over the last three months and now I will be in New York until further notice.

Please come see me.

And now I'm going to call Joshua.