I'm Movin On
Oh my dear Lord!
Come hell or hight water I will be at Shea Stadium tonight to see this. I'm going to get my ass kicked.
I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons, finally content with a past I regret; I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness; for once I'm at peace with myself; I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long...
The sensation that New York is over for me is strong.
I did it, though.
I remember Mama telling me that maybe I had to come to New York to kill the dream of New York, and I think she's right. I love it here, like I love everything, (but something must be genuinely corrupt and detestable for me to hate it), but I'd never be at home here.
So I can check New York off of future places to live. When I left Atlanta I checked that off of the list, too. When I left Tennessee I checked that off of the list, too.
I'm feeling very free today. Very unbound.
I've lived in this place and I know all the faces, each one is different but they're always the same; they mean me no harm but it's time that I face it: they'll never allow me to change; but I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong...
I'm excited to move and begin memorizing a new landscape. I wonder how much of a cigarette I will be able to smoke between my apartment and the bus stop.
Which direction does my bedroom window face?
And the people: all I need is one or two good companions and I'll be able to survive anything.
I wonder if I'll start drinking at home a lot, or if I'll feel comfortable enough going to bars alone.
There's no denying that I'll become a house-cat and some joint in town, maybe a diner, maybe a bar. They'll all know me and I'll have a "usual".
I wonder if I'll stop cooking when it's only me, like I did in college.
Coin laundry for the first time in five years will suck.
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me and I know there's no guarantees but, I'm not alone there comes a time in everyone's life when all you can see are the years passing by and I have made up my mind that those days are gone...
I hope I find a boy with a car. Not a boyfriend, probably, just another boy. He'll drive, I'll cook: something along those lines.
One thing I've learned in New York is that I should never have to pump my own gas or check my own oil ever again for the rest of my life. I have always hated doing that, and after a year of full-service (we hardly even have that down south, except big cities - which are sparse) I'm convinced it's unecessary for me to deal with ever again.
I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't stopped to fill up on my way out of town I've loved like I should
But lived like I shouldn't I had to lose everything to find out maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road...
I made this amazing pot roast last night with a gravy - which was served over rice and eaten with a buttermilk biscuit - that made my boss moan. Oh yes: that's so gratifying to me. The lima beans and corn were tender and sweet and the whole experience was satisfying enough to make me want to cry.
Dad used to tell me I'd make any man happy by the way I cook, and would have no problem finding a husband.
He forgot to mention what I should be looking for in them.
Silly girl: I spent my life making sure I had all these wifey qualities and here I am *lost* looking for a man who could perform as a husband. If I'd known guys don't prepare for that shit, I might have lived more capriciously. [beg your pardon if you're a guy who feels he's good husband material]
My little girl and her mother left last night for the Catskills where she's competing in a horse show. This summer is the first round of shows she's been in since buying her horse last summer, and we were worried because her horse threw her last week and she hit her head against a rail pretty badly, and it really shook her confidence. The first few shows, though, she's jumped like a pro and is bringing home ribbons. This weekend's competition is a big deal: a precursor to The Hampton Classic (she did that last year but didn't place).
I'm so proud of her. She looks so good when she rides, and so graceful when she jumps. I love seeing her interact with her horse, the stable hands, and her trainer, because she seems more herself around them than she is at school: all worried about boys and shit.
Oh my God: I *just* realized that when I move to Indiana it will be the first time in my life that I won't have some one to take care of.
No little brothers, no boyfriend, no waiting tables, no nanny job, just me. I've never been without some service-responsibility. Shit.
It's my sense of worth!
I derive personal value from this!
When I have only me to live for what will I do...
No! (stop it) The school will be my life: kick it's ass so that I am G I V E N a PhD in two years. Marry myself to the study so in the end MIT is B E G G I N G for me. I'll be linguistics' bitch.
But I'm positive I'll find somebody to take care of, because I seek it out.
Blessed sunshine!
It's sort of like summer here: tomorrow I'll be on my own in the city and I think it's time I revisted Central Park and the Met. Tomorrow night I want to see some live blues, so I shall. No tequila. The blues make me *sip* whiskey.
Asit is in a wedding in New Jersey, so he can't kick it, but I need the blues, and I need to give myself that feeling that only the blues can give.
