a light so dim

So often I pirouette out towards the wide-eyed audience and fill lifted up to my toes by sheer exhiliration instead of any strength of my own. The spot light hits me in the eyes as I disregard how the next moment could possibly aprehend me and I live solely in that instant.

Then suddenly my very body becomes more weight than I can carry. My meat and bones bear down upon my toes and I'm forced to drop... my arms... my eyes... my heels...

All I can do is admit I'm a farse, and a fool, and unprepared, and unmindful of the "therefore". I just got carried away.

I found an untaught ability in a moment, but when the moment passed so did the ability.

Lucky me.

But sometimes I count my money while I'm sitting at the table.

My dear Joe picked up my paper for me today and reported I received an A... so three A's and a B. Then Joe allowed me to celebrate with him in the excellent comments he received on his paper.

But his email is what killed me. In general, I have no concept of him caring about me any more because he's an expert at concealing his feelings. Even though my better knowledge may offer than he does in fact miss me or... not want to see me with another man.

I'm transparent, though, no matter how I try. And I didn't realize how I could simply lose the lucky ability of the moment and come down off my toes... and somehow make another person uncomfortable.

I didn't intend any follow through. I never do. I just like the beginning. If follow through turns out as something good than I enjoy it, and go with it, but I never expect to be called to task on my bold claims.

That's just how I flirt with life.

I'm hungover and tired.