L.A Face With an Oakland Booty

Wrapped up the un-eaten half of my sandwich and gave it to a homeless man outside Union Square.

There's always an un-eaten half of my sandwich. Tylere always finished my sandwiches. My sentences. I really feel as though he's something I'm "getting over" right now.

Isn't my life supposed to be the sort where I end up marrying the guy who makes me do a double-take? He's so beautiful, but this is never going to happen my way.

I spent five bucks on a hip-hop CD a guy was panning on a corner of Broadway. It was his music. Sounds very Wu Tang.

I support independent artists.

Gave a bum a smoke and he gave me a book of matches.

Picked up a bunch of random postcards at Barnes and Noble to send out randomly to random people for random occassions. Like I'm wont to do. Someone should randomly mail things to me. I randomly check the mail. I'm a random person.

Bought The Unbearable Lightness of Being as a step towards overcoming my reject-English-major status. Many staples of the well-read person have not yet entered my personal library, and last fall I added some Rand and Salinger: now I'll add Kundera and Coupland.

My reject-indie-rocker status has begun to reverse itself, too.

Hopefully I'll be cool soon.

I look like shit today.

We were at a speakeasy coke-den last night where there was no music becuase "Franky didn't want to hear it" or some shit. The kind of place where they don't let you walk out the same door you came in.

I shot pool and got offered a bump more than once.

I said no.

My game was bad, the Jack was strong, and the tequila didn't approve of my infidelity to her, so she erased my memory of the night.

There was me, asitwere, argylecool, Ryan, and his new girl.

Elliott Smith was a good pick today. I anticipate seeing him next month.

I'm doing my utmost to get Matthew to Field Day Fest with me; I can't imagine going with anyone else, really. When I leave I'll be gone. While I'm here I want to spend time with him; I always have. He doesn't make it easy for me, though, which creates that resolve inside me to reach out to him more. It is a comfort to me to have someone to place my nurture and affection on. I just want a, "thank you; that feels good" in response. I don't think I'm a risk, or a disaster waiting to happen, or a responsibility. But I don't know how I am perceived, because it is not my perception that he sees me with.

A while back I wrote about him, wondering why I had such minimal impact on guys. Since the Reconciliation, though, I don't believe that's true, in his case, anymore. Expressing himself doesn't come easily, though it does come. When he does, he's right. I feel very "known" with him. Without pretense or disclaimers. I don't think he realizes how much good it does me when I'm around him. I leave him telling myself, "hang in there: you don't wander alone."

I am wandering, though, and so is he.

I make statements about, "oh, in five years I'll be settling down back in Tennessee, near my family, in the south..."

But when you're on the road to Find Out there is no "in five years", the same way there was none five years ago.

My ties are broken, darling, and beyond repair, and I seek no new ones, so don't fret that I'll tether myself to you.

This is like Asit's concern for me that if I ever received the affection of the boys I pine after (like Tylere specifically) then my response would be, "oh, nevermind." He's probably right. I'm not working a nine-to-five and I don't have a lease and I don't have a car and I don't have a companion because I haven't found the water that I'm thirsting for.

I believe I will find it, though, and I will become satisfied, and I'll be ready to plant myself and grow, but only then, and not a day before.

Yes, Matthew does read this; no, this isn't news to him: he knows I think these things.

mmmmmmmmm hangover!

I'm alone at Asit's apartment for the purpose of being alone. Soon I'll meet up with him and we'll throw quarters for the freak-show that is the Lower East Side and be entertained.

All I really wanted to do today was drink beer and watch the Karate Kid, but it's not going to happen.