Destination Incarnation

Fortunate for me I have altered my mood of yesterday. Two entries I posted, you know, all with such detailed angst and bullshit. I'm keeping them, of course, because I would never dispose of something as personal as a journal entry, but even still, most of what I put down there should be disregarded. Or, if not that, at least know it is all different as of today.

It's only eleven and I've finished all my errands for the day, and I'm showered, and the sun is irreverant and teasing me to be so, too.

There's no trouble for me to get into around here, though, but tonight should be fun.

I was in my little girl's room putting away her clothes this morning when I noticed her Weezer calendar's page for today where she has written

first punk show

and it just makes me want to cry. She's so excited, and putting so much anticipation into tonight. I can't wait to show her off at Patio for dinner, and then buy her a t-shirt.

This child is so perfect, and precious, and she has all my love.

Last weekend I told J that he and his sister were my heart and soul, and he just said, "aw, Michaela loves her kids? please don't leave."

At Christmas V made one of those teddy bears, like at that stuff-yer-own store at the mall, and she named the little thing after me.

But for all the love these children share with me - their nanny who only came in August - it is fractional compared to how they love their mom.

I think about all the compliments they give her, and especially how eager J is to spend any possible time with her that he can, and it makes my heart just swell.

There could be no greater honor, or blessing, than to be loved like that.

I know I talk about children a lot, and how much I want them, but this is my job. Everyday I am a bit of a mommy.

No other thing that exists outside myself has ever been more satisfying.

Last night on Friends Chandler and Monica found out that they can't have kids, and I (didn't cry: don't do that!) was all shaky.

What if I couldn't have children? I'm pretty sure that I'm fertile (to the extent the experts say one can detect such things), which is good. But I really think I would have a nervous breakdown if I were unable to have children.

Anyway. I'm sure many of you are like, "I just don't understand; I feel so disconnected from children and parenthood and even my own ability to reproduce. It's not something that ever lingers in my mind. I would ruin a child if I had one."

So I'll stop with my dreaming.

For now.

But yes, today is lovely. And I need food.

I can't not go into the city tomorrow. This is a warm weekend. I want to stay out all night. I'll just take an early morning train if I have to. I want to dance. Sing. Sweat. Eat. Drink. Laugh. Meet people. Fight. Play. Live.

!

Life is so alive.