Something Beautiful
I sat here at the computer to write but there was so much to say I couldn't begin.
Thursday night I went to Mary Anne's in Chelsea for dinner with Jordan. I had ridden the train in listening to my brother's music, and reading Salinger, so my entire mood was introspective. All through dinner we told college drinking stories, and I would sit and try to think of a question to ask him, but I couldn't think of a damn thing. So I would start again, "we were so fucked up..."
I cried so long and I don't know why.
I haven't cried like this since I was a child.
Did you cry too?
Or did you make it?
Lately now, you been on my mind.
Maybe it will pass in time.
I smile for you;
You know I don't mean it.
I want to love you but you're behind a wall.
You built me up just to watch me fall.
That's okay, oh, you don't mean to do that.
See you with him in the pouring rain.
While I cry just to ease this pain.
You kiss him softly while I cry.
It's not the picture, babe, that I want to see.
Cause you're supposed to be kissing me.
I don't have a say, do I?
That's one of my brother's songs. The one that just slid my mind into some deep pocket and made it unretreivable for the dinner's conversation.
Dinner was brief and as I returned home Cold Play's "Sparks" and Jeff Buckley slayed me on the train. I touch my fingers against the plexiglass enclosure separating me and the other loveless ones, and we smiled at each other.
Yesterday, in my brief computer time, I talked to Jordan online and laid it out there, so to speak, about how I'm not seeing us dating, and I'm not going to sleep with him ("You're not kidding, are you?" was his reply), but I do want to keep hanging out if that's okay... He said totally, so, right on.
I don't know what we had, maybe nine inches of snow, and so Mama didn't come see me. I didn't realize how much I wanted to see her until I found out she wasn't coming. I saw her at Christmas, so it hasn't been that long, but I don't have any idea of when I'll get to see her now. Maybe in June, for my birthday.
And then diaryland turned into door number three on Thursday, too. blankwave spent his work day reading 110 entries of mine and our similarities have me reeling with a blank-look. He lives in NYC (the first d-lander local other than my friend Asit), and I hope he has a crush on me becuase I'm sick and tired of being the crusher. Maybe I'll meet him for coffee, but I am worried that despite all his credentials (6' skinny, aw snap) he's going to have this nasally, whiny voice and shit and I'll be all "shut up dude!"
John-Michael called me last night, too. He (my brother whose song I quoted) hasn't called me but once since I moved up here in August. He just missed me. I love my brothers so much!
The snow was manageable by the early evening, last night, and so I took the train into the city. Asit and I ate dinner at Elephant, which is the most amazing Thai/French restaurant imaginable. I want more just for the flavor.
Then we went to Patio. Michael was there. My precious bartender. I haven't seen him in two weeks, and I really did miss him. As he got me drunk (we were there from about 11:00 until 3:30 and he charged us $30) and I fell inlove with him again. It was bad last night though becuase his fuck-rag girlfriend was whining and nagging and I wanted to kill her. It's of so little consequence to put into this journal, because it's my bartender and his girlfriend, but I consider Michael to be my friend. I don't throw my drinks on just any one.
I spent the night smiling at Michael (he "couldn't" talk too much because his bitchass woman would have pulled her jealousy jive) and talking to this young man, Seth.
At first he said academia is a conformist's frontier of brainwashing, or some shit, so I laid him flat with a mini-monologue on why I want a PhD. Then I mentioned that I think I can win any verbal battle anyone could pose to me, so all night he tested me. All night he tried to catch me in a contradiction. He also told me that by selecting any one religion I have limited myself to all the other possibilities. I told him there is no way he can possibly understand the state of soul or the validity of my experiences. Then he dared me to explain "forgiveness" without just giving a bunch of examples. I got done and he said, "you did it." Your damn right I did. I love a challenge!
Aside from that he was pleasant. He gave me a burned copy of Nina Simone that he happened to have on his person.
And now it's Saturday. The traffic on Houston is humming and squealing and I'm working up a mad appetite.
I'm buying Asit a coffee maker.
There's no reason why it should be 1:03 on a Saturday morning I haven't had anything but OJ.
I guess I'll shower and find breakfast, lunch, whatever.
